consciousness

💫 SURRENDER TO YOUR EMOTIONS 💫

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I’m learning the balance of allowing myself to feel sadness, grief and loss while creating and doing my work. I have no control over this at the moment. The more I surrender to my emotions, the more they transform and I’m able to create from that space. 

Life comes with it’s highs and lows. People mostly share about the highs which I find is easy to share. I don’t see many people sharing about lows openly and honestly until I meet up with them and they tell me that’s exactly how they felt 😃 Maybe it’s because of not wanting to go there again or maybe the desire to be vulnerable to a controlled extent where they still get to keep their appearances. 

The lows are where you become who you are. They’re the your stones that turn into diamonds. They’re the richness of life, raw, real and vulnerable.

The most loving and compassionate people I met are the ones who went through hell, who faced their darkness, their lows and went out from the other side, transformed. You don’t become a beautiful person by only experiencing happiness, joy, bliss etc. You can’t have depth with only experiencing these emotions. If you only allow yourself to feel those ones, you’re living your life in denial, removed from life itself. You’re not living fully.

What doesn’t kill you doesn’t always make you stronger. It can make you a closed hearted, resentful, fearful and angry person towards life as well. But when you accept what’s happening and surrender, you grow from it. The more you resist it, the more it’s going to carry on.

Especially if you menstruate and bleed regularly, before and during period is a time where all your stuff comes up. If you look closely, that period pain is telling you something. That feeling of loneliness, sadness etc is there to be felt fully. Allow it before you jump to wanting to fix it. Painkillers are not the answer.

Over the years, especially when I was small, I learnt to be joyful and interested to make friends. And I got good at it. I can make friends with anyone. I love that side of me which is being a social butterfly. It makes me feel alive and connected. 

I also have a super depressed side to me that just doesn’t want anything to do with life. It wants to hide in a room, curl up into a ball and not exist for a while. In that egoic pattern, I can’t even cry. I don’t feel, I’m completely numb and apathetic.

Now I’m learning to accept that side, talk to it, write about it, love it and transform it. Every emotion moves through you when you allow it ❤️

Acceptance is the key. If you’re not accepting as life shows you things, you can’t move forward. You’re stuck. Accept that your loved one passed away, accept that you’ve been cheated on, accept that your friend stabbed you in the back. For your own freedom, see the situation for what it is without putting a meaning to it.

I saw a beautiful friend of mine last week. After catching up, she told me I felt more loving, grounded and accepting. See in my head, everything is turning upside down and I’m loosing my shit. If you feel like that, have an honest reflection from a close friend and don’t beat yourself up. You might be doing so much better than you think you are 😉

Here’s how you can process emotions like sadness, loss, grief:

- Accept that you feel sad. Even this can be revolutionary if you usually deny your sadness. It doesn’t mean anything, it just mean that you feel sad. You’re a human with emotions.

- Close your eyes. Take 5 deep breaths into your belly while allowing the feeling to be there. 

- If you feel teary, let those tears come. If you feel rage, let the rage be there.

- Out loud, say how you feel, to the person you’re angry at, or to yourself while feeling sad. Say anything else that wants to come out.

- Hold and hug yourself.

- (If you find it challenging to get into the feeling, start writing how you feel and let the feeling talk without censoring.)

And remember, after a low, there’s always a high. Crying is not weak, it’s powerful. It’s a gift for yourself from yourself in form of a beautiful release. After big good cries I always feel lifted, calm, grounded and happy. I feel joy starting to come in again in mini waves. 

If you have a job and have things to do, allow yourself that 30 min to feel, to not do anything but to be with your pain like you would do for a friend. Whenever I go inwards, cry, write, someone books their place in my workshop or wants to have a session with me. Always. It happened today as I wrote this post.

Any unprocessed emotions will stay in your body until you feel it fully. It’s the fear of feeling we’re scared of. Once you’re in it, it’s not actually that bad. But the disconnection you have from feeling reveals itself as chronic pain, a disease, numbness. It can even effect your face. For example the left side of your face can change becoming heavier.

I went to 5rhythms movement class the other day. One of the dancers just got qualified in teaching, so the teacher invited her into the huge circle of maybe 70 people. She went in with pure joy, ecstasy, celebrating herself and her success. Then she invited everyone else to join in. Few people joined in. Everyone else was clapping in the outside circle. I watched them, I watched the people in the middle dancing, smiling and laughing. That’s when it hit me:

✨ In life, you have to participate ✨

Whatever it is, wherever you are, however you’re feeling, bring that into your life. Don’t exclude your sadness, your insecurities, include them. Show them to people, love them. 

If you want to feel your emotions fully and transform any heaviness, shame, frustration, sadness, come to breathwork next Thursday, the 15th. Bring all of you to the table. Even the parts you don’t accept or love about you as they will hunt you back until you learn to love them ❤️

Make sure to book your ticket if you want to join, we’re half full now. Here’s the link to book:

https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/3745467

Happy new moon, a new beginning 🌕 

Sending you so much love and big hugs 💛

🔥 WHAT STUDYING ARCHITECTURE TAUGHT ME 🔥

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I burnt all my architecture work today 🔥

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This has been something I wanted to do for a while now, to get rid of all my architecture stuff. That’s what I studied 5 years ago. Then I worked in few places then realising I really don’t like doing it. So I stopped.

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Yesterday I googled, ‘how to burn stuff in the garden’ and bought an incinerator bin this morning, one of those metal bins you can burn things in. I took a Uber to Amanda’s place where we did the fire. The Uber driver was asking me (turned out to be a stunt man who is a dive master, kickboxer, free runner, professional gymnast lol), why I wanted to burn them instead of throwing them away. Good question 😍

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I first got the idea after doing a breathwork, it came to me super clear, ‘burn your architecture stuff’. I was like, wow ok I’ll do that. There’s something very cleansing about fire, I believe burning something ceremonially frees you from it. Every time I moved houses, I was carrying them with me which was pointless and felt heavier and heavier.

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Studying architecture is not a walk in the park. ‘I have so much work to do.’ was the normal thing you hear in a stressed out studio. The first 2 years, I was super lost. I didn’t really understood how anything worked, I experimented a lot to see what worked for me. One of the things I tried was flipping my sleeping cycle for a month to work at nights - terrible idea.

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I wasn’t sure if this was what I wanted to do later on anyway. Questioning something back and forth while at the same trying to succeed at it, takes a lot of energy. You can’t move forward doing that. Final year, I told myself, ‘You know what, this is my final year. I’m not going to question this anymore. I’m going to put my absolute best into this year, graduate, then figure out the rest later.’

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So I did that.

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For a whole year, I didn’t have a social life or a partner (slight crush in the end of the year as a perfect distraction). All I did for myself was writing 3 pages every morning as part of the Artist’s Way book. Then studio all day, all night until 2am. 

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Towards the end, I really missed going out as I loved dancing while I was out. My housemate at the time told me, ‘You can put your headphones on and dance in your room.’ I thought, what a great idea, I gave it a go. It was bliss, pure bliss. Every night between 2-3am I would dance out the day in my room after studio, go to bed at 3am then wake up at 7am and do the whole thing again with occasional sleep ins.

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The biggest lesson architecture taught me is showing up no matter what. I showed up for 3 years doing something I wasn’t passionate about. It showed me, well if I can do that without enjoying it, I can absolutely nail the things I enjoy no matter how scary they might feel at times. I had a proof of it working basically, I can make it work again.

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There’s a beautiful quote by Steve Jobs, ‘You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.’ 

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My dissertation was called ‘Architecture as a form of meditation’ - looking at places to meditate all around the world, what makes them a better place to meditate in etc.

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First year, I did a project on circus skills - I always admired circus artists, did pole dancing after graduating and will soon start doing aerial silks 😍

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Third year, I designed a kindergarden/art school for children - When I accepted that I didn’t want to do architecture, I worked in a school looking after kids until I find out what I want to do, I loved being with them at the time. I feel like there’s more to come about this one in the future 👩‍👧‍👦

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Throughout the projects, I used body, movement a lot in the concept and danced every night - I didn’t know 5rhythms or ecstatic dancing existed back then, I was just releasing and moving emotions out of my body. Now I guide movement/dance in my workshops.

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Sometimes I find people making a huge deal out of finding your purpose. It’s always there. You’re looking at it, you’re doing it in some form or another. It’s what brings you alive, something that you would do anyway even if you weren’t paid for.

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I used to walk around in the studio, talking to people comforting or motivating them. People would come to me when they were stressed. Helping them get out of that place brought me so much more joy than doing drawings.

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It took me a whole year to fully let go of architecture to move forward with coaching, healing and workshops. It took me another year procrastinating throwing away all the work and carrying them with me every time I moved houses 😊 Today I finally let go of all of that physically, only kept dissertation and final portfolio as a souvenir from that time.

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It’s such a good feeling when you do things you keep putting off no matter how small or big they are. Thank you for the beautiful ceremony Amanda 💛

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What can you physically get rid of this week? 

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Something that is already long gone to you, but you’re holding onto it physically. Would love to hear it in the comments below 😍❤️

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Loads of love and freedom to you 🔥✨

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💚 I SURRENDER 💚

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It’s been few months since I wrote about Aaron and my seperation. Now I feel to share more about it.

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To give bit of a context, Aaron and I broke up after going through the seperation together for 5 weeks. Then, he went to Panama for 3 weeks where we didn’t communicate at all. He did lots of release while I moved to my own place and had the busiest time in my business giving sessions and workshops. After he came back, we carried on being intimate for another 2 months. When we realised this is not serving us, we seperated for real, a month ago. That was the last time we made love. 10 days ago, he started seeing someone. 

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I was in my Ego for the last few days about him seeing someone. This is us after he was there holding space for me on Sunday when he first told me. I cried straight for 2 days, pretty sure I made some abs from sobbing. At some point I really thought I won’t be able to go through this, it was just all too much, all too soon and all too painful. I don’t want any of this. This is the most amount of pain I felt in my entire life.

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Then the pain started turning into suffering and I started going into the drama of it, how I’m not ready for this, how dare he do this to me, this is not love, it’s been only a month since we were intimate, how could he move on so quick, what is she like etc.

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I did a breathwork on this yesterday, to feel all the emotions fully to let them go, to cry for all the times I didn’t feel loved, crying to release them rather than crying from a place of victimhood, thinking ‘why me’ and ‘this isn’t fair’. In the end, I felt a glimpse of what it would feel like to be free from all this pain. I heard this voice that told me, ‘By the end of this, you’re going to feel the freest, happiest and most empowered you’ve ever felt in your whole life.’ Now that’s a big promise. I asked, ‘Really?’ rolling my internal eyes. It said, ‘Yes, just trust me.’ I smiled.

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It’s the little girl in me that feels she’s not loveable, and it’s that wound coming back to the surface again. Today I told that little girl, ‘There’s so many beautiful experiences infront of you. Keep your heart open. I love you.’

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Aaron and I had the most beautiful year together where we went super deep and grew so much. And we have that, nothing can change the memories or take them away from us. We’ll always have a place in each other’s heart and will always have love for each other. I’ll forever be grateful for him for everything we shared.

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The same love we shared tells Aaron, ‘I love you. I want you to be free. Whatever happiness looks like for you I want you to have it and I’ll be happy for you.’ I can’t be the judge of what his happiness looks or feels like or what moving on looks like for him. I didn’t believe as humans we can have unconditional love, it’s just not possible. What my coach reminded me today was, (thank God I have a coach!) ‘You experience unconditional love from a Soul level, on a human level, yes, you can’t get it, but from a Soul level you can.’ And I felt that for Aaron today 💛

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All of the drama was a distraction for me to avoid my pain. I’m stepping up to a new level in my business so it’s another distraction to not create and to not serve. In every moment, we get to choose which level we want to operate from. I was in my victim place for the last few days. I can’t write or serve from that place, it just doesn’t work because I’m still in it.

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When I was little, I remember realising we’re all going to die one day so I wanted to experience life fully until I die, I wanted the whole spectrum of it. Little did I know what the spectrum was like 😃 

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Today, sitting here, I’m feeling grateful for wishing that. I get to experience life fully, the joy, ecstasy, love, and the grief, sadness, loss. On too of that, I get to guide people through their pain, into their gift, their light, to fulfill why they’re here for.

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In deep pain, I shout through my tears, ‘I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!’

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Surrender is not giving up, it’s letting go of needing to know all the answers and opening yourself up to what’s there for you. I don’t know all the answers. I know that I love giving workshops, sessions and I love writing. And currently I’m grieving. That’s all I know for now.

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I have a part of me that is rigid in many ways. I like knowing what I’m doing, I like controlling the outcome so I feel safe. I’m learning to let go, to surrender a whole lot more. Already I’m feeling that I softened a bit more, I opened up a little bit more, knowing that I can’t control any of this so I surrender to what’s unfolding absolutely having no clue what that is.

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In the midst of all this, I gave a Goddess Circle workshop Monday evening. I took a bath, setting the intention by the end of this bath I’m going to be in a place to serve. I’m going to do the best I can with where I am at in this moment. And I did that. I showed up, I told the ladies, ‘Look, I’m in a lot of grief and sadness at the moment. But I’m here for you and ready to serve you.’ In the end of it, one of the women told me, ‘Thank you for your energy even though you were going through a grief period, you still served and carried us perfectly through the session.’ 🌹

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When I’m in this place of huge learning and growth, it’s not always easy. I look at other people and go, ‘Their life seems to be going pretty smoothly when mine is like a fucking roller coaster.’ Then I remind myself, people don’t always share their experiences or they’re not aware of their pain, especially on social media you see the tip of the iceberg. You see the package that is put together nicely. Take my word for it, everyone has something going on. 

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Another thing is there is no comparison of intensity of the event. You might have an abortion, the love of your life might die, your child you made with love might leave this world (which I can’t even imagine how that feels) but it’s the inherent pain we all have in this human existence that gets triggered. So don’t ever compare your experience to someone else. This experience is what you need right now. You get to choose how you’re going to go through it.

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That was another reason I wanted to share. I commit to being raw, open and real in life, same with my posts. I can’t pretend life is all happy and good when I’m experiencing grief. But also that’s not an excuse to not show up and do what I love.

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You can be in pain, but in joy at the same time. You can feel pure joy and deep sadness at the same time. We’re not black and white, we’re having a human experience which has a whole spectrum I’m just tapping into. 

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Everyone chooses to process their pain differently. I know that if I lock it away in a box and move on, it will come up again in my next relationship. I will carry on dating the same guy in different scenarios. I choose to go into it to heal it as much as I can while it’s present in my life.

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Aaron and I will not be communicating for a month. During this time I will put everything I’ve got into writing my book which is our story. To write through my pain but not through my suffering as that’s a never ending, never serving place.

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That’s the only healthy way I know to release something, to create something beautiful out of it, to put all that energy into a creation so it serves people going through something similar. That’s why I’m here to do, to write my experiences. This experience is a blessing in many ways, there’s a book in it to start with and who knows what else but I’m open to go into it and find out.

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I’m just at the beginning of this, just because I had this realisation, doesn’t mean I’m healed from it but now I have a point of reference, a place I can go back to to remind myself and to surrender. It feels like swimming up to the surface of the water to breathe some air in.

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Feel free to share this if it touches somewhere in your heart 💛

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Loads of love to you all ❤️🌹

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(This is the breathwork I’m doing, the guided journey is at the bottom of the page, it’s called Quantum Light Breath by Jeru Kabbal. It’s great and you feel super held. Give it a go:

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http://yourfriendinspirit.blogspot.com/…/quantum-light-brea…)

Roadtrip! 😍

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This weekend, I’ll be at the How the Light Gets In festival, world’s biggest philosophy and music festival, near River Wye. I’m giving a Goddess Circle workshop and a Freedom Through Breath breathwork journey, also offering 1-1 intuitive guidance sessions.

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Amanda and I came to WALES all the way from London. I didn’t actually think it was this far but we made it.
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The festival is literally at the border between between Wales and England 🔥
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And it’s super cold here 🙈 So cold that we can’t stop laughing at how cold it is. The festival space is coming along beautifully and we’re nearly unpacked now.
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Come join us this weekend if you’re around here! ❤️
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Loads of love 💛
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I woke up feeling so alive this morning, full of joy, excitement and bliss! ❤️

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I held a breathwork journey yesterday for 35 people at 11:11 Events where we had a day full of talks, workshops, open mic jams 🙌🏼

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I'm out of words, honestly, each time I do these breathwork journeys, its an honour to see how willing people are to go deep within, to let go and move forward with lightness and freedom. It truly makes me happy when I see someone feeling their pain fully, then 10 minutes later, they're free from it, liberated from their past traumas. They're a different person than the one who walked into the room.
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Thank you Saara Daisie Isabel Rita and Jenna for holding space with me. It means the world to me to know that I'm not alone, to know that there's a whole army of men and women behind me pushing me forward, supporting me ❤️ I always believed I had to do this on my own, that's not really the case:) Thank you Rita for doing such a great job in creating an incredible energy for the whole day 🙌🏼
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Now I'm off to packing my whole life in one day for the move tomorrow lol. Super exciting times 😍🙌🏼
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Wishing you a wonderful Sunday 💛
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🙌🏼 5 LESSONS I LEARNT FROM 5 JIM CARREY MOVIES 🙌🏼

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I absolutely love movies. In high school I watched around 2-3 movies in a week and would do movie marathons on my own watching 15 movies in a week on holidays. They were movies like Memento, Run Lola Run, Irreversible, Donnie Darko. Bit dark but always made me question and think of stuff I haven't thought of before..

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I don't watch as much now though but I love a night in watching a movie.. Recently, I found out series 'Rick and Morty', I don't normally watch series but made an exception with this one. Check it out if you haven't heard of it, its fun 😉
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On the holiday I had few weeks ago, I watched few Jim Carrey movies again. It's amazing how much I notice when I watch movies I haven't seen in ages, because I changed a lot, my awareness expanded a lot..
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So here are 5 main things I got out of 5 Jim Carrey movies I watched ☺️👇🏼
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1. IF YOU DON'T DEAL WITH YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH OTHERS' (Me, Myself & Irene)
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- Don't brush things under the carpet for the sake of avoiding conflict. Always speak your truth in the moment otherwise you hurt yourself and others around you in the long run.
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2. IF YOU WANT TO FEEL JOY, YOU HAVE TO FEEL SADNESS AS WELL (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind)
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- If you wanna get rid of pain you have to get rid of the beautiful moments too. Pain and happiness are intertwined and you can't avoid pain while having happiness.
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3. WE ACCEPT THE REALITY OF THE WORLD WHICH WE'VE BEEN PRESENTED (The Truman Show - my favourite 😍)
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- Question everything that's around you. Know that someone else created all of it. So you have the power to change it, implement your version as well. You can get out of it as there's no right or wrong way.
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4. IF YOU WANT TO SEE A MIRACLE, BE THE MIRACLE (Bruce Almighty)
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- You might want God to do everything for you, but you have the power. You have to see that you create everything in your life, highs and lows. Once you see and take responsibility for that, you can change that.
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5. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S ON ITS WAY WHEN YOU SAY YES AND ALLOW OPPORTUNITIES TO COME IN (Yes Man)
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- When you play small and safe, life becomes predictable and boring. You might be saying no feeling like you're not enough for anything so what's the point in even trying.. But once you flip that around and allow life to come to you, life becomes a playful ride..
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Have you seen these movies? Which one struck you the most? 😍
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Loads of love to you 💛✨
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🌀 SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH 🌀

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This topic is soo important, it kept coming up, time to write about it😉

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What is speaking your truth?
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It is expressing what your needs are, how you feel and what you think. It is all about communication and being yourself.
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There are many reasons that might be holding you back from speaking your truth. When you tell what you need or feel, you won't be loved for who you are, people will leave you, they will abandon you and you will be alone..
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So you don't speak your truth, you shove things under the carpet and pretend that things don't bother you. Then the next time it comes up again, it comes up even bigger. It makes you feel seperate, not seen, not heard, alone, frustrated or angry..
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The thing is nobody can guess how you feel, what your needs are exactly unless you tell them. The other person will always receive from their perception. So in between you expressing what you need and other person perceiving that in their reality we loose so much info already 😃
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Another communication killer is assumptions. You assume that the other person can tell what you need from your behaviour, especially in intimate relationships. It can feel obvious to you that they'll get it, but they don't. Then you get angry at them.
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Telling exactly what you need, how you feel is the key. That requires you to be vulnerable. It is the best thing you can do while speaking your truth and being yourself.
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If you don't speak your truth you will resent people. There will be an underlying disconnection. That might lead to you taking action that is not right for you, then you'll resent that person more, for 'making' you feel that way and do that thing.
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If you speak your truth you will feel so much lighter, free and like yourself. You will say no to things easier and your energy will only go to things you truly love.
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Next time you speak your truth:
- Notice what you'd like to say knowing you can't loose anything.
- Then see what you're scared of happening if you speak your truth.
- Remind yourself that speaking your truth is the best thing to do in the long run for yourself and for that person.
- Tell that person you need to be listened uninterrupted and tell what you want to say.
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This becomes easier and easier with practice. Those who don't accept your truth and don't see you for who you are will leave. That is a good thing. So that the ones who truly deserve to be in your life will show up.
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Always speak your truth. It's the way to being yourself and freedom☺️
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What holds you back from speaking your truth? If you couldn't loose anything, what would you express? Comment below or message me 💙
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Much love to you 😍❤️
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🌀 ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FEEL 🌀

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I'm seeing more and more how important it is to feel the emotions. Any emotion, not just the happy and more uplifting ones..

At first it might feel like dying, super scary and dangerous. But that's just a protective layer of illusion to keep you away from them.

For a long time I decided to live in my head and always plan stuff until a year ago really. The life coach I had back then always used to ask me 'How do you feel?' I'd even start that sentence with 'I think I feel..' 😃

I do breathwork once in a while. How it works is you breathe in from the mouth out from the mouth and everything you've been suppressing in your body starts coming up. Usually my hands and mouth go a bit weird:) Then you shout, kick your legs and arms to release. It's really painful, like physically painful for me in the chest and in my hands. Each time I do it, I see how much pain I cause myself by not expressing how I feel in the moment. There's another one im going to on Monday, let's see how that one goes😉

In the Goddess Circles I give, there's a part where we drop into our bodies, allowing any feelings to come up. It's so beautiful to watch this. It's like watching bravery and freedom. Honestly, I learn a lot from those brave warriors.

I sometimes get days where I'm like 'I'm constantly working on myself and even the same topics keep coming up. This is never ending.' It is never ending;) But each time you go in, feel and release you become freer, lighter and move forward easier.. You feel more fulfilled and comfortable in who you are ✨

It's not a weakness to cry or look like you haven't got it all together. The opposite, its raw and beautiful. It shows that you're a human. That you're actually trying, feeling, opening up your heart, falling, getting up and trying again. So worth the risk 😉

#magic #transformation #bliss #emotion #warrior #consciousness #wisdom #writing #goddess #sisterhood #success #purpose #dreams #awakening #focused #holistic

🍃 BREATHE 🍃

Spent the whole day with this beautiful woman @nathaliealburjas the other day.

We walked loads and came to this beautiful open space surrounded by trees. You know you're in your head when you're checking gps in a forest 😂

We climbed a tree, that 'right time to receive wisdom from trees' voice kicked in. I'm getting better at noticing it now. Just breathed deeply into my womb, exhaled loudly and became present, came back into my body.

Literally my whole perception shifted. Colours became brighter and the birds sang louder. Just in a moment, it shifts. Within a breath..

Then we had a coaching session under the trees and danced. So blissful to dance, move freely in a forest, sang a bit. Nearly everything I love in one day with a wonderful soul. Thank you goddess @nathaliealburjas 😍 ❤️

As we were on our way to leave, we found this beautiful garden with some walking areas. It was like from Beauty & the Beast or Secret Garden, incredible place.. Never knew that it was there.

We found our way out without gps 😉

Then we got all dressed up with high heels, dresses, red lipstick to go to a birthday party. The contrast 😂

Breathing is medicine. It's you giving yourself what you need. It's there for you to have it and its free! Easy to use, easy to forget😉 Its the gateway to bliss. Receive it, use it, enjoy it 💚

Happy Easter! 🐣💛

#tree #nature #breathe #awareness #focus #coaching #session #dance #sun #day #goddess #hampsteadheath #walk #consciousness #story #writer #heart #spirituality #awakening #wisdom #love #fun #joy #magic #bliss #smile @ Hampstead Heath