grief

Last week, I had two intense grief waves

One morning, I woke up feeling sluggish and uninspired. After doing my morning workout and breakfast, I sat with the feeling and asked what it was about.

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It was some sadness that wanted to be felt. So I put on my grief playlist, layed on my bed and cried for around half an hour and fall asleep for like 10 minutes after that. I woke up feeling rejuvinated and energised. Then I carried on with my day.
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I had another one of these 2 days later. Again, I stopped everything I was doing and just allowed myself to feel. I took this photo on the same day to show you how quickly grief can move through you if you allow it.
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Grief is a tricky emotion. It’s very unpredictable, you never know it will hit you and leave you like the weather here in London these days 😂 You might feel “I thought I’ve dealt with this”, but accepting that it’s here again and feeling it fully is the way out ✨
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Give yourself space and time to just FEEL. Put a 30 minutes timer on, leave everything and feel. 30 minutes spent feeling your emotions will save you hours of feeling either numb or very low. There’s a reason behind you feeling low.
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It might be hell for few minutes but in the end, you will feel lighter, connected, more alive and open. In the depth of your sadness, you will find your joy 💛 And your body will thank you for it later.
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If you’re going through challenging emotions, know that you’re not alone, you’re so brave to feel them 🙏🏼 Message me if you want that grief playlist ✨
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I love you ❤️
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😡😭😜 ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FEEL 😜😭😡

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No one can tell you what your truth is. Only you know. 

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It feels very empowering when you feel your emotions and able to navigate through them where you find your own answers.
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You’re meant to feel as a humanbeing. It’s the judgement that twists the actual experience. You can go through your emotions without judging it as positive or negative. It’s just is, an experience happening for you right now.
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All emotions just want to be felt. When you’re going through one emotion, it often links to another one. You could start with anger, as you feel your anger, you might find sadness underneath it. When you go right to the depth of your sadness, there you will find joy.
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So how do you allow yourself to feel?
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You welcome all the feelings. Not just the happy, light ones but welcome the darker emotions knowing it’s safe to feel and you won’t be shown something you’re not ready to feel.
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Every emotion holds a treasure for you. I find that the gift of anger for me was to show me where my boundaries were, where I didn’t speak my truth and what I truly cared about. I’m naturally a passionate person, came with lots of anger. I was very passive aggressive until I learnt how to speak my truth with love. Someone once told me, “With your fire, only burn what doesn’t serve you, not yourself or other people.” 🔥
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The gift of sadness for me was to have compassion and empathy for myself and others who went to a dark place. Being able to go into my sadness with such depth, gave the same depth to my joy as well. I get to appreciate the whole spectrum and feel myself and others so much more.
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Crying can come from two places. One is victim, poor me, spiralling downwards crying that doesn’t actually serve. The other one is an emotional release where you’re allowing yourself to feel the full sadness and going through it for a moment or a day, however long, knowing it is passing. You’re coming from a knowing and empowered place.
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You’re allowed to feel sad and defeated. You don’t have to be the strong one all the time. You can let your guards down. You can be loved in your grief, sadnes, anger, joy or peace.
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If you want to experience this in a safe and loving space, with no shame or judgement, come do breathwork with me on the 18th, next week. If you’re already in touch with your emotions, come join anyway, let’s go deeper. You might find parts of you that you didn’t know were there 🔥
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We still have spaces available. Link to book is below ✨
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https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/4196787
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I love you ❤️
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✨ MAGIC OF THE DAY ✨

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I took this photo 5 months ago. I found it going through my old photos and want to share a story about it.

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A month after my dad passed away, I went to the embassy to sort out some paper work. From my experience, I believed these things usually take ages. I remember in the morning of this day, I put that aside and I set the intention for the paperwork to flow effortlessly.
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There were few hiccups, an hour queue etc. I held that vision of it completing and me receiving the paperwork I need in the same day.
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I went in the room and this box of Ferrero Rocher was there. They’re my favourite chocolate in the whole world 😍 I got a bit excited and said, “Oh I love these!” She offered me some 💩
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We went onto organising the paperwork. I told her about my dad, how he passed away and when. Then we both realised her dad passed away 2 years ago, very close to the area where my dad was, from the same reason and she was in UK like I was receiving the news on the phone.
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We looked at each other and smiled. In that split second, we felt each other, we felt our pain and strength.
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Paperwork was done in total of 3 hours. This is a record time especially when Turks are involved in any paperwork 😂
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I thanked her and gave her a hug. She showed me there can be magic even in the most mundane tasks you’re not keen on doing. She also showed me there can be closeness and connection in grief.
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We are not so different from one another. When one person opens up, everyone else opens up and says, “I feel the same.” It takes one person. You can be that person ❤️
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Have you ever felt a moment of connection in sadness or grief?
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Love you 💛
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This is my little heaven ❤️

One of the reasons I wanted to live on my own was to see clients at my place and hold mini workshops. I’m so grateful today I’m able to do this 😍

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Last year had a lot of grief for me. At some point it was so intense that I thought I won’t go back to my old joy. I even made peace with not feeling ecstatic or excited about life again. I surrendered to it. At the time, Aaron said something wise as he always does. He said that I won’t go back to my old joy, but I’ll have a new joy that has so much more depth as I’ve gone way into the other side of the spectrum.
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Yesterday evening, I felt that joy during Goddess Circle which I held at my place. It’s a more grounded joy rather than an overexcited and erratic one. It felt alive and I felt totally ok losing this joy again. In that moment, I felt grateful for every single tear, every single loss, every single dark moment. I looked up and saw the word “joy” on this cushion I have.
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Another thing was seeing once again, whether it’s 1 woman, 2 women, 30 women there, the number doesn’t mean anything. Even if one person shows up and receives something out of it, I’ve done my job ❤️
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The next Goddess Circle is on the 28th Jan.
1 space left.
Link to book ✨
https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/3914294
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The next Freedom Through Breath is on the 31st Jan.
* SOLD OUT *

The one after that - 21st Feb
Link to book ✨
https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/4053846
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I’m off to dance, wishing you a beautiful and magical evening 😍✨
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Love you ❤️
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💚 I SURRENDER 💚

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It’s been few months since I wrote about Aaron and my seperation. Now I feel to share more about it.

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To give bit of a context, Aaron and I broke up after going through the seperation together for 5 weeks. Then, he went to Panama for 3 weeks where we didn’t communicate at all. He did lots of release while I moved to my own place and had the busiest time in my business giving sessions and workshops. After he came back, we carried on being intimate for another 2 months. When we realised this is not serving us, we seperated for real, a month ago. That was the last time we made love. 10 days ago, he started seeing someone. 

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I was in my Ego for the last few days about him seeing someone. This is us after he was there holding space for me on Sunday when he first told me. I cried straight for 2 days, pretty sure I made some abs from sobbing. At some point I really thought I won’t be able to go through this, it was just all too much, all too soon and all too painful. I don’t want any of this. This is the most amount of pain I felt in my entire life.

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Then the pain started turning into suffering and I started going into the drama of it, how I’m not ready for this, how dare he do this to me, this is not love, it’s been only a month since we were intimate, how could he move on so quick, what is she like etc.

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I did a breathwork on this yesterday, to feel all the emotions fully to let them go, to cry for all the times I didn’t feel loved, crying to release them rather than crying from a place of victimhood, thinking ‘why me’ and ‘this isn’t fair’. In the end, I felt a glimpse of what it would feel like to be free from all this pain. I heard this voice that told me, ‘By the end of this, you’re going to feel the freest, happiest and most empowered you’ve ever felt in your whole life.’ Now that’s a big promise. I asked, ‘Really?’ rolling my internal eyes. It said, ‘Yes, just trust me.’ I smiled.

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It’s the little girl in me that feels she’s not loveable, and it’s that wound coming back to the surface again. Today I told that little girl, ‘There’s so many beautiful experiences infront of you. Keep your heart open. I love you.’

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Aaron and I had the most beautiful year together where we went super deep and grew so much. And we have that, nothing can change the memories or take them away from us. We’ll always have a place in each other’s heart and will always have love for each other. I’ll forever be grateful for him for everything we shared.

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The same love we shared tells Aaron, ‘I love you. I want you to be free. Whatever happiness looks like for you I want you to have it and I’ll be happy for you.’ I can’t be the judge of what his happiness looks or feels like or what moving on looks like for him. I didn’t believe as humans we can have unconditional love, it’s just not possible. What my coach reminded me today was, (thank God I have a coach!) ‘You experience unconditional love from a Soul level, on a human level, yes, you can’t get it, but from a Soul level you can.’ And I felt that for Aaron today 💛

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All of the drama was a distraction for me to avoid my pain. I’m stepping up to a new level in my business so it’s another distraction to not create and to not serve. In every moment, we get to choose which level we want to operate from. I was in my victim place for the last few days. I can’t write or serve from that place, it just doesn’t work because I’m still in it.

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When I was little, I remember realising we’re all going to die one day so I wanted to experience life fully until I die, I wanted the whole spectrum of it. Little did I know what the spectrum was like 😃 

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Today, sitting here, I’m feeling grateful for wishing that. I get to experience life fully, the joy, ecstasy, love, and the grief, sadness, loss. On too of that, I get to guide people through their pain, into their gift, their light, to fulfill why they’re here for.

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In deep pain, I shout through my tears, ‘I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!’

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Surrender is not giving up, it’s letting go of needing to know all the answers and opening yourself up to what’s there for you. I don’t know all the answers. I know that I love giving workshops, sessions and I love writing. And currently I’m grieving. That’s all I know for now.

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I have a part of me that is rigid in many ways. I like knowing what I’m doing, I like controlling the outcome so I feel safe. I’m learning to let go, to surrender a whole lot more. Already I’m feeling that I softened a bit more, I opened up a little bit more, knowing that I can’t control any of this so I surrender to what’s unfolding absolutely having no clue what that is.

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In the midst of all this, I gave a Goddess Circle workshop Monday evening. I took a bath, setting the intention by the end of this bath I’m going to be in a place to serve. I’m going to do the best I can with where I am at in this moment. And I did that. I showed up, I told the ladies, ‘Look, I’m in a lot of grief and sadness at the moment. But I’m here for you and ready to serve you.’ In the end of it, one of the women told me, ‘Thank you for your energy even though you were going through a grief period, you still served and carried us perfectly through the session.’ 🌹

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When I’m in this place of huge learning and growth, it’s not always easy. I look at other people and go, ‘Their life seems to be going pretty smoothly when mine is like a fucking roller coaster.’ Then I remind myself, people don’t always share their experiences or they’re not aware of their pain, especially on social media you see the tip of the iceberg. You see the package that is put together nicely. Take my word for it, everyone has something going on. 

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Another thing is there is no comparison of intensity of the event. You might have an abortion, the love of your life might die, your child you made with love might leave this world (which I can’t even imagine how that feels) but it’s the inherent pain we all have in this human existence that gets triggered. So don’t ever compare your experience to someone else. This experience is what you need right now. You get to choose how you’re going to go through it.

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That was another reason I wanted to share. I commit to being raw, open and real in life, same with my posts. I can’t pretend life is all happy and good when I’m experiencing grief. But also that’s not an excuse to not show up and do what I love.

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You can be in pain, but in joy at the same time. You can feel pure joy and deep sadness at the same time. We’re not black and white, we’re having a human experience which has a whole spectrum I’m just tapping into. 

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Everyone chooses to process their pain differently. I know that if I lock it away in a box and move on, it will come up again in my next relationship. I will carry on dating the same guy in different scenarios. I choose to go into it to heal it as much as I can while it’s present in my life.

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Aaron and I will not be communicating for a month. During this time I will put everything I’ve got into writing my book which is our story. To write through my pain but not through my suffering as that’s a never ending, never serving place.

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That’s the only healthy way I know to release something, to create something beautiful out of it, to put all that energy into a creation so it serves people going through something similar. That’s why I’m here to do, to write my experiences. This experience is a blessing in many ways, there’s a book in it to start with and who knows what else but I’m open to go into it and find out.

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I’m just at the beginning of this, just because I had this realisation, doesn’t mean I’m healed from it but now I have a point of reference, a place I can go back to to remind myself and to surrender. It feels like swimming up to the surface of the water to breathe some air in.

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Feel free to share this if it touches somewhere in your heart 💛

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Loads of love to you all ❤️🌹

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(This is the breathwork I’m doing, the guided journey is at the bottom of the page, it’s called Quantum Light Breath by Jeru Kabbal. It’s great and you feel super held. Give it a go:

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http://yourfriendinspirit.blogspot.com/…/quantum-light-brea…)

😔 EMOTIONS: SADNESS 😔

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Sadness is not a bad emotion, not a good emotion either. It's just an emotion.

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Most people don't want to feel 'bad' emotions like sadness, anger, grief etc. It might feel scary actually. When you feel sad, it might feel like its going to be there forever and you're stuck in it now. The world feels like such a lonely place and you're the only person feeling this way..
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I've felt this many times. Especially this year as I'm allowing myself to feel more, I'm feeling everything like 10 times more. I love it. The truth is we're all human and we feel many emotions. We're not linear. We can't be happy all the time or sad all the time. When you are honest with yourself, you feel all emotions.
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You might feel angry but actually when you sit with that anger there might be sadness underneath it. When you sit with the sadness fully, cry, weep, mourn, do whatever you need to do fully feel it, underneath that you're going to find joy. When I cry loads afterwards a wave of calmness washes over me and it feels really good actually.
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It doesn't mean anything about you, you're just releasing, letting go of old emotions. When you feel your sadness, grieve fully, you give someone the permission to do the same.
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Whenever I see someone cry, I actually smile. Because they're allowing themselves to feel and reminding me how human we all are. I feel so much love and compassion for them. I let them cry without touching, saying anything, without interrupting them feeling until they're done, then offer a hug. How beautiful is that? Being human, feeling it all. Celebrate it, you're alive and feeling!
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Next time you feel sad, try these steps:
- Close your eyes and take a deep breath
- Sigh out loud
- Allow yourself to feel the sadness
- If tears come, don't hold them back, they're meant to come and go
- When tears are done imagine your future self infront of you
- Ask them, 'What's my next inspired action to follow my truth?'
- Follow that
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You can feel it all and still not let it take you go off course. You have the power and you get to choose 🙏🏼
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What do you do when you feel sad? Do you cry a lot? I definitely do ☺️
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Love you 💙
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