Awareness

💔 ABANDONMENT & OPENNESS ❤️

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Grab yourself a cup of tea. This one’s a big one 😃

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Abandonment is allowing someone else’s decision to mean something about yourself.

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It’s not personal but you make it personal. In order to avoid feeling the pain of abandonment, you develop coping mechanisms. 

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You might tend and befriend, pleasing the person out of fear to avoid them leaving you. You might close your heart protecting yourself from getting hurt. These strategies often end you up in abandonment anyway as that was the intention your actions stemmed from. 

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I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time few weeks ago. Robin Williams was the therapist in the movie and he was saying how the his client was pushing people away as a defense mechanism before they had a chance to leave him. I had to pause and let that sink in. That is pretty much what I did in my past relationships up until few years ago with the exact reason.

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In my Ego, I push people away before they abandon me. I fit into the idea of what people expect of me. I abandon my true essence and what my heart wants in order to receive love and validation.

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All this, I knew. Now I’m going to share something really deep and vulnerable I recently found out about myself.

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The other day something happened that massively triggered my abandonment wound. I was in my shit for a week. I knew it was teaching me something but I just couldn’t see it. I was getting all frustrated because I knew if I just saw the lesson I would let it go. Few days ago, I finally saw it. I’m going to share with you what it was because its important.

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When I was little, there were a lot of betrayal, lies and manipulation around me. I didn’t feel backed up and I felt abandoned.

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I looked around and decided people were double faced. In order to survive in this world, I had to be double faced. I adjusted myself according to other people. And I put a massive wall around me to protect myself. 

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I calculated my behaviour based on other people’s behaviours. In a way I became double faced, the very thing I judged about people. If they were closed, I was closed. If they were open, I was open. I gave my power away to them.

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Any personal growth training I went to between the age of 14-20, the trainer would tell me that there was coldness in my eyes. It really hurt because I knew that wasn’t who I was. I managed to break this when I was 20. Then I started to become a lot more like myself, warm, loving, open and real. That’s my true nature.

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Few days ago, I saw the shadow side I have around being open and authentic that comes out in intimate relationships.

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(Shadow is how Ego slides into your truth with its own agenda and makes it almost impossible to see. It’s your blindspot.)

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I would be open so that the other person is open too. Once they’re open, then I would feel safe. Then I would know they’re not going to betray or abandon me. I would manipulate my way into safety. So my intention behind my openness was to avoid betrayal and abandonment. And of course because that was where I was coming from, it would naturally lead to abandonment. 

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If you take an action coming from an intention from Ego, you will create more Ego. Ego creates Ego. Truth creates truth.

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I saw why men leave even when I was open and honest. They were picking up on the energy I was unconsciously vibing out. They felt that undercurrent energy. I would also be attracted to men who are more likely to leave so that I perpetuate the belief and prove it to myself over and over again.

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Once I saw this, every time I felt betrayed or abandoned by the masculine, relationships and connections ending, emotional unavailability, going for safer options, dad dying, feeling lonely, etc they all made sense. Like flashbacks one after another, they all came together. Time stopped and I said to myself, “Oh my god...” 

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I gave out a big exhale.

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As soon as I saw this, I was able to let it go. I sent massive gratitude to every men entered and left my life, allowing me to come to this point of seeing this lesson. I felt free.

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This was a huge revelation followed by a 3 hours integration nap, then a 9 hours sleep. And now I’m down with the integration flu 😂

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You are responsible for everything that happens in your reality. Nothing happens to you, its a behaviour, an action you’re taking that is creating the result.

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Once you stop blaming others, take ownership and see your underlying motivation, then you can be aware of it and change it.

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Mine was my level of openness depends on others’ openness, which I can change it to I am open and authentic regardless, because that’s who I am.

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Also checking in with myself especially around the masculine, 

- Am I open to manipulate my way into safety?

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- Am I open becasue I want to be open? 

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I’m not dismissing the pain of abandonment. I’ve been there and it hurts like hell. But it’s your choice to not dwell on the suffering and connect back to the truth. You can choose to feel the pain, see the lesson and let it go.

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So here are steps to turn around the wound of abandonment that I used and come back to the truth:

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- Close your eyes

- Take a deep breath in.

- What do you do to avoid abandonment? What’s your coping strategy? (pushing people away, closing your heart, manipulation, being super independant etc)

- What’s the emotion? Is it sadness, anger, anxiety, fear etc?

- What are you believing about yourself?

- When was the earliest time you felt this?

- Let that scenario unfold. (For example - you’re 5 and your dad is having a go at you, you’re scared and your mum is not backing you, you feel let down and abandoned by her, vice versa)

- Imagine standing infront of them and tell them out loud what you wish you said at the time.

- Imagine seeing the scenario from a higher perspective now, see for what it is. See their pain. Why did they act the way they did?

- Can you forgive them for that? If you do, tell them.

- Give them a hug. (If you feel like it)

- See the 5 year old you from this place, tell them whatever they need to hear to feel safe and loved. Pour love into their heart and see them shine. See their pain as a black smoke armor, take it off them and surround them with pure white light of love. Tell them they can be themselves now.

- Let that go. Bring your awareness to the situation you have today.

- Now knowing you’re loved, whole and complete as you are, ask “What’s the truth?”

- Give yourself a hug :)

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“The truth will set you free.” - Jesus

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I dedicate my life to seek the truth and live it every day. I will honestly go to the end of hell for the truth. This requires me to be honest with myself, to sit with uncomfortable emotions and journey through darkness. 

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I’ve journeyed through and transformed so much. Every time I shift or realise something, I see that actually I know nothing. I feel I’m barely starting. As I go into deeper layers, my connection with the truth deepens.

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It doesn’t get easier for me personally. As I go deeper, I see more and more, my humour gets darker and darker. But I also feel freer, more empowered and more me. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

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At the same time, I can take people with me, to the level I’ve gone to, to see their depth and their truth 🔥

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I offer 1-1 sessions around seeing why you keep repeating same scenarios around abandonment and how to change it. If you resonated with this, message me ❤️

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I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions below 😍

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Thank you for reading my longest post ever to date 😃 Giving you all a virtual hug 🙌🏼

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I love you 💛

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✨ MAGIC OF THE DAY ✨

I went to get my nails done today after a coaching session I gave.

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As I was sitting in the nail salon, two women were chatting next to me. I didn’t pay much attention to what they were saying until I heard, “They went to therapy together.” 😃 So I started to listen.
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The couple they were talking about went to therapy to work on their relationship. The therapist asked them if they had a dog. They had two dogs. So the therapist told them, “When you go home, before going to the dogs first, go to each other and treat each other how you would treat your dogs.”
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Turns out, they were giving all the tenderness and love to the dogs and not to one another. After treating each other with the love they give to the dogs, they didn’t have to go to therapy again.
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This story made me smile and reminded me how when you put love and care into a relationship, a project, anything, it will give you tend times folds. Whatever you nurture, it will grow. Whatever you avoid or abandon, it will die.
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Where are you putting your love and care into? And where are you not?
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I love you 💛
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🍃 YOU’VE COME FAR 🍃

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A year ago yesterday, my dad died from heart attack.

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Yesterday I chose to spend the day by going to a 5 hours dance, Ecstatic Soul session.
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I created the altar which was about prayer and intention. It was about showing up and courage. It was about how unstoppable you are when you focus on what you want to create and how playing small doesn’t serve anyone. It was about how creation happens in cycles just like nature, blooming then letting go, letting go of old version to become the new version who will receive the vision.
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There were quotes on the altar, here’s one of them that I love👇🏼 You can swipe to read them all.
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“You’re never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true.” - Richard Bach
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It also had Turkish delight to be eaten during or after the dance 😍
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These 5 hours dance sessions have been so deep and healing every time, this one was particularly deep.
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I felt what it feels like to hold your prayer and let go of it, let go of how you want it to look like and surrender to it.
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I felt my dad’s energy on the dancefloor and danced with him. I thanked all the men in my life and all the lessons I learnt through their presence.
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I felt and moved through heartbreak. It is very freeing when you allow yourself to feel an emotion without making it mean something about you.
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I looked up at the church and remembered the dances I had there in the last 3 years. Friends I met on the dancefloor, connections I made, frustrations I had, love I shared, joys I felt and how I surrendered and let go again and again on that dancefloor. Versions of me died on that carpet and versions of me emerged. I’m so grateful for that church ❤️
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“You will always be fine.” is what I heard when I looked up. It was a deep knowing and certainty. “You’ve come far.” I forget how far I came.
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There was a moment where I looked at 5 Rhythms with Ajay Rajani & Nikki Ashley, feeling so incredibly grateful for them to having created this sacred space of remembering who we are, connecting to what matters to us and choosing love ❤️ Thank you so much for everything you both are and everything you give so generously 🙏🏼
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We had food together after and it was so nourishing to sit on the grass and talk, listen, connect for hours.
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Thank you everyone who was on the dancefloor 😍
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I love you 💛
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I went to my friend Empowered Healing’s emotional release workshop tonight 🔥

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It’s a bit like breathwork, without the mouth breathing, all about moving through your emotions leaving you feeling empowered, free & light.

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I released some stuff from years ago, talked to some ex partners in a process called aspecting. You sit imagining they’re infront of them and you talk to them. Then you sit in their place and respond to what you just heard from their energy. Meanwhile you hit pillows, shout and shake it all off. You release for yourself and for them in a way 😍
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I took my power back. I came back to my own energy. I felt so grateful for all the pain. I saw once again, I’m so loved. I’m whole and complete.
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Then I treated myself to an incredible meal for all the hard work I did. I feel amazing now. My voice is slightly deeper from shouting but I feel so grateful 😍
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It’s been a while I’ve been in a room being held in my process rather than holding space for people. I missed it and remembered how much I love giving this to people ❤️
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There are still spaces left for Thursday’s Women’s Breathwork & Movement Journey 💃🏽
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Use the code ILOVEYOU for £10 off discount 😘
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12th Thursday // 6:30pm
Columba Space, Camden
Discounted price 👉🏼 £20
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Link to book is below ✨
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https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/4319168
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“God’s timing is perfect.” - Alan Cohen
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I’d love to see you there.
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I love you 💛
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❤️ NEW CHANGES TO POSTS ❤️

(TURKCE asagida 👇🏼)

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This is my dear friend Maya Başdal ❤️

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We studied architecture together. We were housemates. We ran together. We watched lots of Friends. We cried and laughed together. After graduating, she went back to Istanbul from Oxford, I moved to London.

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I love seeing her every time I go back to Istanbul. Few weeks ago when I was in Turkey, we caught up, she thanked me for creating the running group in Oxford years ago which is how she started running. I totally forgot about this. You never know the impact you have on someone until they share ❤️

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She shared how she loves my posts. The way she described them I felt she really got them, the structure I write them in and why I do that. Then she said if I ever needed them to be translated, she would love to do it. 

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I looked at her and I actually started crying ✨ Coming from someone I love so much, knowing how she loves and benefits the posts, she has a brilliant mind and love for details, she connects the dots amazingly... I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to do this 🙏🏼

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I have been asked quite a lot to translate my posts in the last two years. The truth is my priority and love is more on creating the time to writing them rather than translating. So I let go of the need to know and just trusted it will somehow come about.

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SO now, Maya will be translating the longer posts I’ve been writing starting from back in 2017 🙂 

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They will be on the blog in a seperate section on my website 👇🏼 There are two posts up there already, have a look 🥰

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https://www.isiktlabar.com/turkce

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I will also comment the link in the original English post on Facebook.

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This is what I came up with as I don’t want to spam you English speakers with a language you don’t understand 😃

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I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing. This is yet another experiment. I hope it works. I never saw anyone successfully share in two languages and I want to do that. So I’m going to give it a go as I’m part of both worlds and I’d love to share in both languages.

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Thank you for giving the time to read what I write, I appreciate your time more than anything 🙌🏼

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I love you 💛

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🧿 YAZILARIMDAKI YENI DEGISIKLIKLER 🧿

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Bu benim canim arkadasim Maya ❤️

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Beraber mimarlik okuduk. Ayni evde yasadik. Sabahlari beraber kostuk. Friends dizisini bol bol izledik. Beraber gulduk ve agladik. Mezun olduktan sonra, Maya Oxford’dan Istanbul’a dondu, ben de Londra’ya tasindim.

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Istanbul’a her gittigimde Maya’yi gorurum. Birkac hafta once ben Turkiye’deyken bulustuk. Oxford’daki kosu grubunu kurdugum icin bana tesekkur etti. O grup sayesinde kosuya baslamisti ve ben bunu tamamen unutmusum. Birinin uzerinde biraktiginiz etkiyi onlar paylasmadan bilemezsiniz ❤️

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Paylastigim yazilarimi ne kadar sevdigini soyledi. Anlattiklarindan yazdiklarimi, yazma seklimi ve niye oyle yazmayi sectigimi gercekten anladigini hissettim. Sonra eger cevrilmelerini istersem seve seve yapabilecegini soyledi.

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Ona baktim ve agladim resmen ✨ Bu kadar sevdigim yakinimdan gelmesi, bu insanin yazilarimi faydali bulmasi, inanilmaz zeki olmasi, detaylari sevmesi ve noktalari birlestirme sekli... Daha uygun biri isteyemezdim bunun icin 🙏🏼

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Son iki yilda yazilarimin cevrilmesi cok istendi. Isin gercegi, benim onceligim ve sevdigim sey, cevirmek yerine yazilari yazmak icin olan zamani yaratmak. Nasil yapacagim’i birakip, bir sekilde olacagina inanip birakmistim.

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VE simdi, Maya 2017’den beri yazdigim daha uzun olan yazilari cevirecek 🙂

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Sitemde ayri bir blog sayfasinda olacaklar 👇🏼Su an iki yazi Turkce blogda var, gidip bakabilirsiniz 🥰

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https://www.isiktlabar.com/turkce

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Yazilarin Ingilizce asillarinin altina da cevirdikce yorum olarak koyacagim.

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Tam olarak ne yaptigimdan emin degilim. Deneme yanilmayla bir deney gibi bu. Umarim ise yarar. Sosyal medyada kimsenin iki dille basarili bir sekilde paylastigini gormedim ve benim yapmak istedigim bu. Iki dunyaya da aidim ve icimden gelen iki dilde de paylasmak.

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Yazdiklarimi okumak icin ayirdiginiz zaman icin cok tesekkur ederim. Zamaniniza her seyden daha cok deger veriyorum 🙌🏼

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Sizi seviyorum 💛

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🔥 NEW STRUCTURES IN MY SESSIONS 🔥

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I made two new changes to my session structures to serve better and to create more transformation 😍

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🔥 ACCELERATOR PROGRAM 🔥
- 6 months coaching program
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✨ This is about empowering you from overwhelm & stress to find simplicity & joy in your life and business ✨
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This is for you if you want to take your life and work to the next level.
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You can read more about it here 👇🏼
https://www.isiktlabar.com/accelerator-program
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🔥 COACHING & BREATHWORK INTENSIVE 🔥
- A one-off coaching & breathwork session
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✨ This is about helping you move from feeling blocked & stuck to having clarity & freedom in your next steps ✨
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👉🏼 1.5 hours coaching - to get you aligned with your next steps
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👉🏼 1.5 hours breathwork - to release sadness, grief, anger, stress so you feel light & free ready to get moving
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This is for you if you want to get clear on your vision, your next steps and let go of any blocks.
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You can read more about it here 👇🏼
https://www.isiktlabar.com/coaching-breathwork-intensive
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Message me if you’re interested or have any questions 🙌🏼
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I love you 💛
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💛 Hardships Soften You 💛

2018 was the hardest time in my life. I went through a painful seperation while grieving my dad. .

I’m very grateful for this period as it made me who I am today. I softened, I let go and I surrendered more.

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I recorded this video a month ago. I’m very open in these videos about what happened and how I chose to respond to it. I feel the emotions as I speak. I hope it gives you what you needed to hear ❤️

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If you’re going through a tough time, I’m here for you, just reach out to me 🙏🏼 We’re all human and we’re in this together ✨

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I love you 💛

Another proud adulting moment from today✌🏼

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All the posts I put out there, I upload them to my blog as well. 

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I update my blog before I send out my newsletter. Then I give an update on my life linking to my blog posts. So really I need to have an up to date blog to send a newsletter out.
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I’ve put off updating my blog for 3 MONTHS. So now I had 85 posts to upload 😂 I also haven’t sent out a newsletter due to that in this time 🙈
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So today in between 2 sessions and 2 calls, I went for it. I uploaded 54 posts! 31 left 😍❤️
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Going through my old posts, I liked all the comments I completely ignored, so you might receive a notification from me liking your comment from 8 weeks ago 😂 better late than never. I always appreciate your comments, if I don’t reply its due to not being as organised as I’d like to be, it’s never personal. I welcome all comments 🙌🏼
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So a newsletter will come your way SOON!! If you’d like to receive it, message me your email address 😘
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Tips I found useful for extra productivity:
✨ Leave your phone in your bag or in another room 📱
✨ Listen to deep house for repetitive tasks 🔊
✨ Move your body, head, shoulder to the music rather than being completely still and hunched over your laptop. Then it turns into a dance session 💃🏽
✨ Make heart drawings and paint them in with every task you finish, make what is boring - fun 🎨
✨ Get blue light blocking glasses so your eyes are all good and less tired 👓
✨ Coffee helps, don’t overdose. My workout in the morning is like my coffee, then I had a coffee today for the afternoon☕️
✨ Go to a cafe nearby with no laptop charger, you’ll have a time deadline 💻
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Also WOMEN’S BREATHWORK & MOVEMENT JOURNEY is on the 12th September. Tickets are on Women's Breathwork & Movement Journey

Now I’m off to dancing! 😍🙌🏼

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I love you 💛

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💚 COMMITMENT TO LOVE 💚

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This post is dedicated to me and Aaron Le Conte’s friendship ✨

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Over the last 1.5 years, we committed to turn our intimate relationship into deep friendship. When I reflect and look at my life our friendship is something I deeply cherish and honour. So I’d love to tell you more about it as I think it’s pretty rare the journey we went on.

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In summary, Aaron and I met three years ago. We went super deep and fast into our relationship. Our first date turned into 3 days where we told each other “I love you”. Fast forward one year, every moment we were triggered by each other, we held space for each other to do a healing around it. This was very intense and to be honest not sustainable in the long run 😃

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As we decided to end our intimacy, we wanted to be friends forever for real. So we decided to hold each other through our seperation, to open our hearts even more rather than shutting down.

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This wasn’t a walk in the park. I can honestly say this breakup was the hardest thing I had to go through as it brought up so many wounds to the surface while my dad passed away as well. During this time parts of me literally died.

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I want to celebrate the qualities of this man that have deeply transformed my life:

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✨ His unconditional love. He loves me as I am and to this day carries on to do so. He showed me what unconditional love can feel and look like in a relationship and how it doesn’t have to go away after breakups. He showed me how when you love someone as they are unconditionally, they blossom and become more of who they truly are.

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✨ His support. From day 1, he encouraged me to step into my power, start and build my business. When I wanted to stop, he helped me to carry on. He still helps me with my business. He edits my meditations, gives me business strategy sessions, assists me with the breathwork journeys when he’s around. He still did, even when we were going through a tough time together. He was able to put our process aside and serve.

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✨ His commitment to his growth. He doesn’t share as much on social media but I know that he sits down every day, goes within into his darkness with his processes, feels uncomfortable emotions and always finds a way to get to the other side of it. It’s very inspiring to witness.

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✨ His love for his loved ones. He would do anything for his family and friends, he feels geniune joy out of helping them unconditionally with pure love and no agenda.

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✨ His silliness. Behind all the peace, love and the hugs he gives out, there’s a silly boy with a dark humour.

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He taught me how to connect with my heart and my body. He taught me how to let go of the idea of what something should look like and be open to what it might become. And he taught me the beauty of spending hours together as quality time.

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He showed me how love can be supporting your ex partner to be ready to attract their future partner.

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Here are few things we did that enabled us to transition and to be great friends today:

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❤️ Being vulnerable and open with each other ❤️

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If there’s even a slight little thing that feels off or triggering, we share it IN THE MOMENT in how we make each other feel. Of course we had moments where we manipulated each other but we called each other out and came back to honesty.

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❤️ Telling each other what we need ❤️

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At some point during our breakup, we asked each other exactly what we needed to hear looking into each other’s eyes. It went something like this: “Us breaking up doesn’t mean neither of us is not good enough or worthy of love, it means we’re not right for each other.”

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❤️ Having time apart with periods of no communication ❤️

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Some time apart helped in letting go of the relationship and remembering who we are without the relationship. We had few weeks where we didn’t speak, but always reconnected and checked in how we were both doing.

❤️ Trusting the truth of we’re not right for each other ❤️

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This was a hard one to accept because there is so much love between us. It also showed us how if we’re letting go of this which was true, something even more aligned is coming. We also connected with our future partners’ energy and described it for each other which helped with letting each other go. If you’re not focusing on the future, you can’t let the past go.

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❤️ Not leaving a conversation without resolving ❤️

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We would argue, talk, eventually be vulnerable and open until we come to a resolution. At times, this was happened to be inconvenient places like 2am at night or tube stations. We left things unresolved few times and it got worse, there was more to resolve afterwards. Better sooner then later. Best way I feel to end a conflict is to catch yourself when you’re in your Ego, admit out loud you’re in your Ego. Then you hold each other and come back to love together.

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❤️ Choosing friendship first ❤️

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We wanted to be friends first. When we decided to break up, we got matching triangle tattoos on our ankles to commit to our friendship. We promised to treat each other how friends would treat each other during this seperation, with respect, love and decency.

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This is what worked for us. I know its not for everyone. Some relationships are those where you just need to leave and not look back. And some have a potential to turn into beautiful friendships. If this is something you want to create and both sides want it, it is possible with honesty, vulnerability and direct communication.

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I believe true love between two people never goes away. It doesn’t have to just because there was a breakup. It can transform into a form of love that is even deeper. Aaron is like a brother and a super close friend to me now. I cried many times while I wrote this post feeling the love, appreciation and gratitude I have for him.

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This photo was taken back in April after a breathwork journey eating at Pizza Express which is a ritual we do to celebrate. Aaron was away for 3 months and I’m super excited that he’s in London for a week now 😍

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There is no set in stone way of going about in relationships. You decide how you want to start, create and end a relationship. Be honest with yourself. What is your truth? Have an open, honest conversation about it and follow that.

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I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions below ✨

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I love you 💛

Another embarrasing adulting moment from me today ✌🏼

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I had to update my home address. I thought the only place which does this is far away from where I lived.

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So I postponed doing it for 1.5 YEARS 😂
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Anyway, today I decided, no more postponing this, I’ll get it done today. I went there only for them to tell me I could’ve done it around the corner from where I lived 😑
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I ended up sorting it out today. Here’s how the conversation went about:
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Police officer: “You were meant to do this 7 days within your move. It’s been over a year.”
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Me: “I know.”
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Her: “What was the reason you didn’t?”
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Me: “My dad died. I went through a breakup. I got ill.”
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Her: (Bit of a pause) “Ok I’ll write that down.”
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Me: “Is there a fine?”
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Her: “No, but I need to write the reason to tell you off.”
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Me: “Is this you telling me off?”
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Her: “Yeah.”
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We both smiled.
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Go do that boring paperwork or errand you’ve being putting off. It’s freeing 🎉
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I did another one today, I feel like a proud adult 🙌🏼
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I love you 💛
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