conscious uncoupling

💛 END OF A CHAPTER 💛

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It took me 7 months to finally share this post. I was in process of feeling and now I’m in a place where it feels complete and I can share it. So here it goes:

Aaron and I had been together on and off since our initial breakup in February, but two days ago was our final day as a couple.

We initially broke up gradually over 5 weeks back in February. Rather than cutting each other off and being strangers overnight, we held each other through the grief and sadness. After that, Aaron went to Panama to Tribal Gathering, I moved into my own flat and we had a few weeks of not talking to each other. 

After a while, we started to be intimate again. We tried open relationship to polyamory (intimate relationship with more than one person), being lovers to being committed intimate partners to not having any labels. At some point we were friends and seeing other people, at some point we didn’t speak at all. 

Every time we didn’t speak to each other for long periods of time, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

In this process, we became two different people. The relationship energy we had initially was gone and two new people met for the first time. Every time, we went deeper into intimacy and deeper into love.

You need to know yourself and know what you want. If you don’t, you’re going to loose yourself in your relationships. Whether you choose to be non-monogamous or monogamous, you will be carrying the same wound to any form of relating.

Non-monogamy can be a beautiful way to go deeper within yourself to dive into your wounds and shed light on them. It could be a great way to ask for what you want, speak your truth, practice your boundaries or enjoying your sexuality, breaking through the shame and guilt.

Or it could also be a way to avoid commitment, a coping mechanism to feeling not good enough to be your partner’s only lover, feeling unworthy to ask for a closed relationship, fear of missing out or fear of going deep into intimacy, being devoted to one another. 

There were times I got the hang of it and there were times I fucked up. After exploring back and forth, I came to the conclusion that I like monogamy. I love surrendering into one another and creating a sacred space only two people share.

2 days ago, we both saw that this intimate relationship we created, grew and shared together over the last two years was not serving us anymore. Aaron came over to my place and we sat down, instantly we both broke into tears. Without saying a word, we both knew it was the end. It felt unreal but so true. We tried everything but it didn’t work.

It’s easy to break up with someone when you hate each other, but it’s so hard when you have so much love for one another. It’s easy to break up when you just met someone incredible that could be your new partner, but it’s so hard when you haven’t met that person yet, and you both choose being single so it serves you both, no matter how much it hurts.

No matter how much love you put into something, if it’s not right, it’s not going to work. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

This relationship showed me what I want, what is possible. It showed me the depth, vulnerability and honesty two people can journey into. It showed me I don’t need anything from men anymore, I got it all within me. I can stop searching, now that I see what a relationship could look and feel like. It showed me that my body’s a sacred temple and to not let anyone in who doesn’t deserve to be there.

We had 3 intense breakups and coming back to love each time, to keep surrendering into love through the pain and hurt, to keep choosing love.

Aaron and I will always be in each other’s life. I feel deep sadness, grief, loss combined with my dad’s loss but also relief that we are doing what is true. We are always going to be friends, brother and sister.

I especially want to thank our mutual friend Amanda for seeing us go back and forth and sticking with us through it all and choosing to love us even when she saw when we were not right for each other. I love you so much Amanda and so grateful for you 💛

I want to finish with what Aaron said to me when we made love for the last time. If you’re a woman, receive this as the masculine talking to you ❤️

“Your sexuality is one of your greatest gifts.

You are the most expensive meal on the menu.

You are the diamond that shines the brightest in the store.

You are the greatest gift you can receive at Christmas.

Do not give yourself away cheaply.

The level of love you give, it’s a level people can’t imagine.

Don’t allow a man to enter you without feeling your body.

Make sure the man feels right, deep within you, before you are intimate with him and share your sacred energy

Feel your body, womb and heart.

What do they say?

Don’t give yourself away freely to anybody.”

Feel free to share this if it touched somewhere in your heart ❤️

Love you 💛

💚 I SURRENDER 💚

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It’s been few months since I wrote about Aaron and my seperation. Now I feel to share more about it.

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To give bit of a context, Aaron and I broke up after going through the seperation together for 5 weeks. Then, he went to Panama for 3 weeks where we didn’t communicate at all. He did lots of release while I moved to my own place and had the busiest time in my business giving sessions and workshops. After he came back, we carried on being intimate for another 2 months. When we realised this is not serving us, we seperated for real, a month ago. That was the last time we made love. 10 days ago, he started seeing someone. 

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I was in my Ego for the last few days about him seeing someone. This is us after he was there holding space for me on Sunday when he first told me. I cried straight for 2 days, pretty sure I made some abs from sobbing. At some point I really thought I won’t be able to go through this, it was just all too much, all too soon and all too painful. I don’t want any of this. This is the most amount of pain I felt in my entire life.

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Then the pain started turning into suffering and I started going into the drama of it, how I’m not ready for this, how dare he do this to me, this is not love, it’s been only a month since we were intimate, how could he move on so quick, what is she like etc.

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I did a breathwork on this yesterday, to feel all the emotions fully to let them go, to cry for all the times I didn’t feel loved, crying to release them rather than crying from a place of victimhood, thinking ‘why me’ and ‘this isn’t fair’. In the end, I felt a glimpse of what it would feel like to be free from all this pain. I heard this voice that told me, ‘By the end of this, you’re going to feel the freest, happiest and most empowered you’ve ever felt in your whole life.’ Now that’s a big promise. I asked, ‘Really?’ rolling my internal eyes. It said, ‘Yes, just trust me.’ I smiled.

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It’s the little girl in me that feels she’s not loveable, and it’s that wound coming back to the surface again. Today I told that little girl, ‘There’s so many beautiful experiences infront of you. Keep your heart open. I love you.’

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Aaron and I had the most beautiful year together where we went super deep and grew so much. And we have that, nothing can change the memories or take them away from us. We’ll always have a place in each other’s heart and will always have love for each other. I’ll forever be grateful for him for everything we shared.

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The same love we shared tells Aaron, ‘I love you. I want you to be free. Whatever happiness looks like for you I want you to have it and I’ll be happy for you.’ I can’t be the judge of what his happiness looks or feels like or what moving on looks like for him. I didn’t believe as humans we can have unconditional love, it’s just not possible. What my coach reminded me today was, (thank God I have a coach!) ‘You experience unconditional love from a Soul level, on a human level, yes, you can’t get it, but from a Soul level you can.’ And I felt that for Aaron today 💛

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All of the drama was a distraction for me to avoid my pain. I’m stepping up to a new level in my business so it’s another distraction to not create and to not serve. In every moment, we get to choose which level we want to operate from. I was in my victim place for the last few days. I can’t write or serve from that place, it just doesn’t work because I’m still in it.

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When I was little, I remember realising we’re all going to die one day so I wanted to experience life fully until I die, I wanted the whole spectrum of it. Little did I know what the spectrum was like 😃 

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Today, sitting here, I’m feeling grateful for wishing that. I get to experience life fully, the joy, ecstasy, love, and the grief, sadness, loss. On too of that, I get to guide people through their pain, into their gift, their light, to fulfill why they’re here for.

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In deep pain, I shout through my tears, ‘I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!’

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Surrender is not giving up, it’s letting go of needing to know all the answers and opening yourself up to what’s there for you. I don’t know all the answers. I know that I love giving workshops, sessions and I love writing. And currently I’m grieving. That’s all I know for now.

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I have a part of me that is rigid in many ways. I like knowing what I’m doing, I like controlling the outcome so I feel safe. I’m learning to let go, to surrender a whole lot more. Already I’m feeling that I softened a bit more, I opened up a little bit more, knowing that I can’t control any of this so I surrender to what’s unfolding absolutely having no clue what that is.

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In the midst of all this, I gave a Goddess Circle workshop Monday evening. I took a bath, setting the intention by the end of this bath I’m going to be in a place to serve. I’m going to do the best I can with where I am at in this moment. And I did that. I showed up, I told the ladies, ‘Look, I’m in a lot of grief and sadness at the moment. But I’m here for you and ready to serve you.’ In the end of it, one of the women told me, ‘Thank you for your energy even though you were going through a grief period, you still served and carried us perfectly through the session.’ 🌹

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When I’m in this place of huge learning and growth, it’s not always easy. I look at other people and go, ‘Their life seems to be going pretty smoothly when mine is like a fucking roller coaster.’ Then I remind myself, people don’t always share their experiences or they’re not aware of their pain, especially on social media you see the tip of the iceberg. You see the package that is put together nicely. Take my word for it, everyone has something going on. 

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Another thing is there is no comparison of intensity of the event. You might have an abortion, the love of your life might die, your child you made with love might leave this world (which I can’t even imagine how that feels) but it’s the inherent pain we all have in this human existence that gets triggered. So don’t ever compare your experience to someone else. This experience is what you need right now. You get to choose how you’re going to go through it.

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That was another reason I wanted to share. I commit to being raw, open and real in life, same with my posts. I can’t pretend life is all happy and good when I’m experiencing grief. But also that’s not an excuse to not show up and do what I love.

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You can be in pain, but in joy at the same time. You can feel pure joy and deep sadness at the same time. We’re not black and white, we’re having a human experience which has a whole spectrum I’m just tapping into. 

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Everyone chooses to process their pain differently. I know that if I lock it away in a box and move on, it will come up again in my next relationship. I will carry on dating the same guy in different scenarios. I choose to go into it to heal it as much as I can while it’s present in my life.

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Aaron and I will not be communicating for a month. During this time I will put everything I’ve got into writing my book which is our story. To write through my pain but not through my suffering as that’s a never ending, never serving place.

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That’s the only healthy way I know to release something, to create something beautiful out of it, to put all that energy into a creation so it serves people going through something similar. That’s why I’m here to do, to write my experiences. This experience is a blessing in many ways, there’s a book in it to start with and who knows what else but I’m open to go into it and find out.

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I’m just at the beginning of this, just because I had this realisation, doesn’t mean I’m healed from it but now I have a point of reference, a place I can go back to to remind myself and to surrender. It feels like swimming up to the surface of the water to breathe some air in.

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Feel free to share this if it touches somewhere in your heart 💛

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Loads of love to you all ❤️🌹

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(This is the breathwork I’m doing, the guided journey is at the bottom of the page, it’s called Quantum Light Breath by Jeru Kabbal. It’s great and you feel super held. Give it a go:

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http://yourfriendinspirit.blogspot.com/…/quantum-light-brea…)