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It took me 7 months to finally share this post. I was in process of feeling and now I’m in a place where it feels complete and I can share it. So here it goes:

Aaron and I had been together on and off since our initial breakup in February, but two days ago was our final day as a couple.

We initially broke up gradually over 5 weeks back in February. Rather than cutting each other off and being strangers overnight, we held each other through the grief and sadness. After that, Aaron went to Panama to Tribal Gathering, I moved into my own flat and we had a few weeks of not talking to each other. 

After a while, we started to be intimate again. We tried open relationship to polyamory (intimate relationship with more than one person), being lovers to being committed intimate partners to not having any labels. At some point we were friends and seeing other people, at some point we didn’t speak at all. 

Every time we didn’t speak to each other for long periods of time, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

In this process, we became two different people. The relationship energy we had initially was gone and two new people met for the first time. Every time, we went deeper into intimacy and deeper into love.

You need to know yourself and know what you want. If you don’t, you’re going to loose yourself in your relationships. Whether you choose to be non-monogamous or monogamous, you will be carrying the same wound to any form of relating.

Non-monogamy can be a beautiful way to go deeper within yourself to dive into your wounds and shed light on them. It could be a great way to ask for what you want, speak your truth, practice your boundaries or enjoying your sexuality, breaking through the shame and guilt.

Or it could also be a way to avoid commitment, a coping mechanism to feeling not good enough to be your partner’s only lover, feeling unworthy to ask for a closed relationship, fear of missing out or fear of going deep into intimacy, being devoted to one another. 

There were times I got the hang of it and there were times I fucked up. After exploring back and forth, I came to the conclusion that I like monogamy. I love surrendering into one another and creating a sacred space only two people share.

2 days ago, we both saw that this intimate relationship we created, grew and shared together over the last two years was not serving us anymore. Aaron came over to my place and we sat down, instantly we both broke into tears. Without saying a word, we both knew it was the end. It felt unreal but so true. We tried everything but it didn’t work.

It’s easy to break up with someone when you hate each other, but it’s so hard when you have so much love for one another. It’s easy to break up when you just met someone incredible that could be your new partner, but it’s so hard when you haven’t met that person yet, and you both choose being single so it serves you both, no matter how much it hurts.

No matter how much love you put into something, if it’s not right, it’s not going to work. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

This relationship showed me what I want, what is possible. It showed me the depth, vulnerability and honesty two people can journey into. It showed me I don’t need anything from men anymore, I got it all within me. I can stop searching, now that I see what a relationship could look and feel like. It showed me that my body’s a sacred temple and to not let anyone in who doesn’t deserve to be there.

We had 3 intense breakups and coming back to love each time, to keep surrendering into love through the pain and hurt, to keep choosing love.

Aaron and I will always be in each other’s life. I feel deep sadness, grief, loss combined with my dad’s loss but also relief that we are doing what is true. We are always going to be friends, brother and sister.

I especially want to thank our mutual friend Amanda for seeing us go back and forth and sticking with us through it all and choosing to love us even when she saw when we were not right for each other. I love you so much Amanda and so grateful for you 💛

I want to finish with what Aaron said to me when we made love for the last time. If you’re a woman, receive this as the masculine talking to you ❤️

“Your sexuality is one of your greatest gifts.

You are the most expensive meal on the menu.

You are the diamond that shines the brightest in the store.

You are the greatest gift you can receive at Christmas.

Do not give yourself away cheaply.

The level of love you give, it’s a level people can’t imagine.

Don’t allow a man to enter you without feeling your body.

Make sure the man feels right, deep within you, before you are intimate with him and share your sacred energy

Feel your body, womb and heart.

What do they say?

Don’t give yourself away freely to anybody.”

Feel free to share this if it touched somewhere in your heart ❤️

Love you 💛