seperation

💚 I SURRENDER 💚

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It’s been few months since I wrote about Aaron and my seperation. Now I feel to share more about it.

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To give bit of a context, Aaron and I broke up after going through the seperation together for 5 weeks. Then, he went to Panama for 3 weeks where we didn’t communicate at all. He did lots of release while I moved to my own place and had the busiest time in my business giving sessions and workshops. After he came back, we carried on being intimate for another 2 months. When we realised this is not serving us, we seperated for real, a month ago. That was the last time we made love. 10 days ago, he started seeing someone. 

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I was in my Ego for the last few days about him seeing someone. This is us after he was there holding space for me on Sunday when he first told me. I cried straight for 2 days, pretty sure I made some abs from sobbing. At some point I really thought I won’t be able to go through this, it was just all too much, all too soon and all too painful. I don’t want any of this. This is the most amount of pain I felt in my entire life.

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Then the pain started turning into suffering and I started going into the drama of it, how I’m not ready for this, how dare he do this to me, this is not love, it’s been only a month since we were intimate, how could he move on so quick, what is she like etc.

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I did a breathwork on this yesterday, to feel all the emotions fully to let them go, to cry for all the times I didn’t feel loved, crying to release them rather than crying from a place of victimhood, thinking ‘why me’ and ‘this isn’t fair’. In the end, I felt a glimpse of what it would feel like to be free from all this pain. I heard this voice that told me, ‘By the end of this, you’re going to feel the freest, happiest and most empowered you’ve ever felt in your whole life.’ Now that’s a big promise. I asked, ‘Really?’ rolling my internal eyes. It said, ‘Yes, just trust me.’ I smiled.

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It’s the little girl in me that feels she’s not loveable, and it’s that wound coming back to the surface again. Today I told that little girl, ‘There’s so many beautiful experiences infront of you. Keep your heart open. I love you.’

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Aaron and I had the most beautiful year together where we went super deep and grew so much. And we have that, nothing can change the memories or take them away from us. We’ll always have a place in each other’s heart and will always have love for each other. I’ll forever be grateful for him for everything we shared.

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The same love we shared tells Aaron, ‘I love you. I want you to be free. Whatever happiness looks like for you I want you to have it and I’ll be happy for you.’ I can’t be the judge of what his happiness looks or feels like or what moving on looks like for him. I didn’t believe as humans we can have unconditional love, it’s just not possible. What my coach reminded me today was, (thank God I have a coach!) ‘You experience unconditional love from a Soul level, on a human level, yes, you can’t get it, but from a Soul level you can.’ And I felt that for Aaron today 💛

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All of the drama was a distraction for me to avoid my pain. I’m stepping up to a new level in my business so it’s another distraction to not create and to not serve. In every moment, we get to choose which level we want to operate from. I was in my victim place for the last few days. I can’t write or serve from that place, it just doesn’t work because I’m still in it.

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When I was little, I remember realising we’re all going to die one day so I wanted to experience life fully until I die, I wanted the whole spectrum of it. Little did I know what the spectrum was like 😃 

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Today, sitting here, I’m feeling grateful for wishing that. I get to experience life fully, the joy, ecstasy, love, and the grief, sadness, loss. On too of that, I get to guide people through their pain, into their gift, their light, to fulfill why they’re here for.

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In deep pain, I shout through my tears, ‘I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!’

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Surrender is not giving up, it’s letting go of needing to know all the answers and opening yourself up to what’s there for you. I don’t know all the answers. I know that I love giving workshops, sessions and I love writing. And currently I’m grieving. That’s all I know for now.

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I have a part of me that is rigid in many ways. I like knowing what I’m doing, I like controlling the outcome so I feel safe. I’m learning to let go, to surrender a whole lot more. Already I’m feeling that I softened a bit more, I opened up a little bit more, knowing that I can’t control any of this so I surrender to what’s unfolding absolutely having no clue what that is.

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In the midst of all this, I gave a Goddess Circle workshop Monday evening. I took a bath, setting the intention by the end of this bath I’m going to be in a place to serve. I’m going to do the best I can with where I am at in this moment. And I did that. I showed up, I told the ladies, ‘Look, I’m in a lot of grief and sadness at the moment. But I’m here for you and ready to serve you.’ In the end of it, one of the women told me, ‘Thank you for your energy even though you were going through a grief period, you still served and carried us perfectly through the session.’ 🌹

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When I’m in this place of huge learning and growth, it’s not always easy. I look at other people and go, ‘Their life seems to be going pretty smoothly when mine is like a fucking roller coaster.’ Then I remind myself, people don’t always share their experiences or they’re not aware of their pain, especially on social media you see the tip of the iceberg. You see the package that is put together nicely. Take my word for it, everyone has something going on. 

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Another thing is there is no comparison of intensity of the event. You might have an abortion, the love of your life might die, your child you made with love might leave this world (which I can’t even imagine how that feels) but it’s the inherent pain we all have in this human existence that gets triggered. So don’t ever compare your experience to someone else. This experience is what you need right now. You get to choose how you’re going to go through it.

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That was another reason I wanted to share. I commit to being raw, open and real in life, same with my posts. I can’t pretend life is all happy and good when I’m experiencing grief. But also that’s not an excuse to not show up and do what I love.

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You can be in pain, but in joy at the same time. You can feel pure joy and deep sadness at the same time. We’re not black and white, we’re having a human experience which has a whole spectrum I’m just tapping into. 

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Everyone chooses to process their pain differently. I know that if I lock it away in a box and move on, it will come up again in my next relationship. I will carry on dating the same guy in different scenarios. I choose to go into it to heal it as much as I can while it’s present in my life.

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Aaron and I will not be communicating for a month. During this time I will put everything I’ve got into writing my book which is our story. To write through my pain but not through my suffering as that’s a never ending, never serving place.

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That’s the only healthy way I know to release something, to create something beautiful out of it, to put all that energy into a creation so it serves people going through something similar. That’s why I’m here to do, to write my experiences. This experience is a blessing in many ways, there’s a book in it to start with and who knows what else but I’m open to go into it and find out.

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I’m just at the beginning of this, just because I had this realisation, doesn’t mean I’m healed from it but now I have a point of reference, a place I can go back to to remind myself and to surrender. It feels like swimming up to the surface of the water to breathe some air in.

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Feel free to share this if it touches somewhere in your heart 💛

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Loads of love to you all ❤️🌹

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(This is the breathwork I’m doing, the guided journey is at the bottom of the page, it’s called Quantum Light Breath by Jeru Kabbal. It’s great and you feel super held. Give it a go:

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http://yourfriendinspirit.blogspot.com/…/quantum-light-brea…)

💚 DEEPER LAYERS OF LOVE 💚

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This post has been the hardest post I've written to this day taking out words from me with each tear, feeling each pain and each emotion.

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Aaron and I seperated on Monday. It was our last day as a couple. We made the decision to seperate 5 weeks ago realising we've given each other everything we needed at this time, it was time to let go and be on our own for a while.

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Since then we've been allowing ourselves to grieve, to feel and to celebrate what a wonderful and special relationship we created. We held breathwork journeys for each other, spoke about our memories together, had playful and fun time together, soaking up the last moments we have of our relationship. We wanted to do it in a way to honour our love and life together for the past year so we can go into friendship without any heaviness, resentment, sadness or anger.

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I've never had a breakup this way before. It hasn't been easy. It has been a very loving, honouring but also a confronting process requiring us to be honest with ourselves and each other. It's the opposite of cutting each other off, two lovers becoming two strangers within hours after intimate months together, moving on like nothing happened. 

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Rather than holding onto pain for months and years, we've been feeling the pain of letting each other go and releasing as we feel. Rather than crying out on our own or with a friend, we've been crying together. Rather than turning all the love to hate, we've been going deeper into love while transitioning into friendship. As we let go, we find a deeper layer of love underneath the sadness, underneath the resentment and the pain.

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When you're getting to know someone you slowly go into the relationship, this felt like the same thing but on the other side of completing a relationship allowing us to not carry on any trauma to the next phase of our lives.

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Part of me is excited to see what's ahead of me. Part of me is scared that I'll never find such a deep and loving connection ever again. My mind goes, it's insane to have this and let it go, how can there be something even deeper than this? Then my heart says, 'You've already made the hardest decisions in your life, just trust, I got you.' Then I take a step forward into the complete unknown not knowing what's next ✨

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I've been feeling so grateful for the last few days for receiving such supportive and loving feedback about my recent posts telling me I'm brave to tell all of this. I feel like real bravery is willing to go deep within yourself, willing to dig deeper and deeper knowing you might not like what you find but still going until you hit the gold. There's a deep sadness, deep loneliness within me that I discovered recently as I write more. I didn't know it was there before. That's gold for me because that's what makes this post happen.

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I feel grateful to have been with a man with whom I went into the depths of my darkness together. I feel grateful to have been with a man who can see right through me and love all that I am. I feel grateful to have been with a man who stays by my side lovingly even when I try to push him away. 

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This has been a magical, beautiful, transformational year full of growth, deep love, deep intimacy and lots of fun. We were two people who grown into two completely different people. The intensity of shift felt like ten years fitting into one year.

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The last five weeks we've been through together has been a ride, beautiful, loving and honouring. Now its time to journey and grow on our own. Aaron's off to Panama in few hours for three weeks, I'm staying in London focusing on my 1-1 sessions, writing and workshops 🙏🏼

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If you're going through a seperation, breakup, grief and want to talk, PM me, would love to listen to you. Know that you're not alone and you're meant to feel as a humanbeing 💙

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Loads of love to you 💚

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