relationships

❤️ 4 THINGS TO REMEMBER IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS ❤️

✨When someone rejects you, it doesn’t mean anything about you ✨

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When someone doesn’t want to be with you, it can be almost automatic to take it personally. You might feel abandoned, unloved, unworthy or insignificant. You might question yourself as if there is something wrong with you or you might loose your confidence. You might even change yourself to fit into the criterias of that person so they don’t leave you.

When you’re being yourself and someone rejects you, that is actually a good thing. It shows that you’re not right for each other. When you’re being yourself and that person wants to be with you, that’s beautiful. You win either way. 

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The truth is, there is someone for you out there who will love you for who you are. You don’t have to change yourself and be less of who you are for someone. Ever 😍

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✨When you compare yourself with others, you forget who you are ✨

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When you compare yourself with others, you’re taking something external as a reference point and you loose your centre, you give your power away. 

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Especially on social media when you look at other people’s lives, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparison. You don’t know the whole story of what’s going on for them. No one’s life is perfect. Even if they tell you they don’t have any issues, that’s not true. They’re either playing it small, not being honest with themselves or haven’t gone deeper into their wounds.

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Write a list of 20 things you love about yourself, it could be about how you look, your character, anything. 20 things that makes you, you ❤️ Next time you catch yourself comparing with others, you can bring your focus back to what you love about yourself.

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✨ You can ask for what you want and have it ✨

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You might feel like you can’t ask for what you want not just from your partner but from people around you. It might feel awkward, you might feel you don’t deserve to have it or you might not want to let people in to keep yourself safe as asking for help requires vulnerability.

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A good way to ask for what you want is speak from your heart. Don’t offer a favour first, or tell how tired you are hoping they’ll get the message, that’s manipulation. Ask directly. Be clear and loving. If they say no, that’s ok, again doesn’t mean anything about you. Ask someone else. You’ll be surprised how many people are willing to help you, they just don’t know how. 

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✨ Give yourself what you wants others to give you ✨

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Close your eyes and imagine the 5 year old you infront of you. What does s/he need? What does s/he need to hear from you to feel safe and loved? Tell them that.

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Give your inner child what you want others to give you. This way you meet your own needs and you don’t get upset by others’ actions towards you, especially by your parents’. When the need for them to do something is not there, they naturally give you what you always wanted anyway 😊 This also helps you to focus on your future with ease and flow rather than dwelling on the past.

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Feel free to share if you found this useful 😍

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I work on those areas (relationship & purpose) a lot in 1:1 coaching/clearing sessions. If you want support in mastering these, message me ❤️

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Love you 😘

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💚 I SURRENDER 💚

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It’s been few months since I wrote about Aaron and my seperation. Now I feel to share more about it.

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To give bit of a context, Aaron and I broke up after going through the seperation together for 5 weeks. Then, he went to Panama for 3 weeks where we didn’t communicate at all. He did lots of release while I moved to my own place and had the busiest time in my business giving sessions and workshops. After he came back, we carried on being intimate for another 2 months. When we realised this is not serving us, we seperated for real, a month ago. That was the last time we made love. 10 days ago, he started seeing someone. 

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I was in my Ego for the last few days about him seeing someone. This is us after he was there holding space for me on Sunday when he first told me. I cried straight for 2 days, pretty sure I made some abs from sobbing. At some point I really thought I won’t be able to go through this, it was just all too much, all too soon and all too painful. I don’t want any of this. This is the most amount of pain I felt in my entire life.

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Then the pain started turning into suffering and I started going into the drama of it, how I’m not ready for this, how dare he do this to me, this is not love, it’s been only a month since we were intimate, how could he move on so quick, what is she like etc.

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I did a breathwork on this yesterday, to feel all the emotions fully to let them go, to cry for all the times I didn’t feel loved, crying to release them rather than crying from a place of victimhood, thinking ‘why me’ and ‘this isn’t fair’. In the end, I felt a glimpse of what it would feel like to be free from all this pain. I heard this voice that told me, ‘By the end of this, you’re going to feel the freest, happiest and most empowered you’ve ever felt in your whole life.’ Now that’s a big promise. I asked, ‘Really?’ rolling my internal eyes. It said, ‘Yes, just trust me.’ I smiled.

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It’s the little girl in me that feels she’s not loveable, and it’s that wound coming back to the surface again. Today I told that little girl, ‘There’s so many beautiful experiences infront of you. Keep your heart open. I love you.’

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Aaron and I had the most beautiful year together where we went super deep and grew so much. And we have that, nothing can change the memories or take them away from us. We’ll always have a place in each other’s heart and will always have love for each other. I’ll forever be grateful for him for everything we shared.

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The same love we shared tells Aaron, ‘I love you. I want you to be free. Whatever happiness looks like for you I want you to have it and I’ll be happy for you.’ I can’t be the judge of what his happiness looks or feels like or what moving on looks like for him. I didn’t believe as humans we can have unconditional love, it’s just not possible. What my coach reminded me today was, (thank God I have a coach!) ‘You experience unconditional love from a Soul level, on a human level, yes, you can’t get it, but from a Soul level you can.’ And I felt that for Aaron today 💛

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All of the drama was a distraction for me to avoid my pain. I’m stepping up to a new level in my business so it’s another distraction to not create and to not serve. In every moment, we get to choose which level we want to operate from. I was in my victim place for the last few days. I can’t write or serve from that place, it just doesn’t work because I’m still in it.

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When I was little, I remember realising we’re all going to die one day so I wanted to experience life fully until I die, I wanted the whole spectrum of it. Little did I know what the spectrum was like 😃 

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Today, sitting here, I’m feeling grateful for wishing that. I get to experience life fully, the joy, ecstasy, love, and the grief, sadness, loss. On too of that, I get to guide people through their pain, into their gift, their light, to fulfill why they’re here for.

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In deep pain, I shout through my tears, ‘I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!’

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Surrender is not giving up, it’s letting go of needing to know all the answers and opening yourself up to what’s there for you. I don’t know all the answers. I know that I love giving workshops, sessions and I love writing. And currently I’m grieving. That’s all I know for now.

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I have a part of me that is rigid in many ways. I like knowing what I’m doing, I like controlling the outcome so I feel safe. I’m learning to let go, to surrender a whole lot more. Already I’m feeling that I softened a bit more, I opened up a little bit more, knowing that I can’t control any of this so I surrender to what’s unfolding absolutely having no clue what that is.

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In the midst of all this, I gave a Goddess Circle workshop Monday evening. I took a bath, setting the intention by the end of this bath I’m going to be in a place to serve. I’m going to do the best I can with where I am at in this moment. And I did that. I showed up, I told the ladies, ‘Look, I’m in a lot of grief and sadness at the moment. But I’m here for you and ready to serve you.’ In the end of it, one of the women told me, ‘Thank you for your energy even though you were going through a grief period, you still served and carried us perfectly through the session.’ 🌹

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When I’m in this place of huge learning and growth, it’s not always easy. I look at other people and go, ‘Their life seems to be going pretty smoothly when mine is like a fucking roller coaster.’ Then I remind myself, people don’t always share their experiences or they’re not aware of their pain, especially on social media you see the tip of the iceberg. You see the package that is put together nicely. Take my word for it, everyone has something going on. 

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Another thing is there is no comparison of intensity of the event. You might have an abortion, the love of your life might die, your child you made with love might leave this world (which I can’t even imagine how that feels) but it’s the inherent pain we all have in this human existence that gets triggered. So don’t ever compare your experience to someone else. This experience is what you need right now. You get to choose how you’re going to go through it.

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That was another reason I wanted to share. I commit to being raw, open and real in life, same with my posts. I can’t pretend life is all happy and good when I’m experiencing grief. But also that’s not an excuse to not show up and do what I love.

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You can be in pain, but in joy at the same time. You can feel pure joy and deep sadness at the same time. We’re not black and white, we’re having a human experience which has a whole spectrum I’m just tapping into. 

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Everyone chooses to process their pain differently. I know that if I lock it away in a box and move on, it will come up again in my next relationship. I will carry on dating the same guy in different scenarios. I choose to go into it to heal it as much as I can while it’s present in my life.

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Aaron and I will not be communicating for a month. During this time I will put everything I’ve got into writing my book which is our story. To write through my pain but not through my suffering as that’s a never ending, never serving place.

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That’s the only healthy way I know to release something, to create something beautiful out of it, to put all that energy into a creation so it serves people going through something similar. That’s why I’m here to do, to write my experiences. This experience is a blessing in many ways, there’s a book in it to start with and who knows what else but I’m open to go into it and find out.

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I’m just at the beginning of this, just because I had this realisation, doesn’t mean I’m healed from it but now I have a point of reference, a place I can go back to to remind myself and to surrender. It feels like swimming up to the surface of the water to breathe some air in.

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Feel free to share this if it touches somewhere in your heart 💛

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Loads of love to you all ❤️🌹

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(This is the breathwork I’m doing, the guided journey is at the bottom of the page, it’s called Quantum Light Breath by Jeru Kabbal. It’s great and you feel super held. Give it a go:

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http://yourfriendinspirit.blogspot.com/…/quantum-light-brea…)

🙏🏼 I GAVE A TALK THE OTHER DAY 🙏🏼

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I talked about surrendering to love at LOVEx Talks Sex and Relationships on Tuesday 😍

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Standing up and talking vulnerably and openly infront of 50 people felt like the scariest thing I’ve done in a long time. I’ve been avoiding talking and it was about time.
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I want to tell how this came about as it was a great lesson for me.
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Some of you read my ‘I want to surrender’, the post about lovemaking. Here it is if you haven’t :
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https://www.facebook.com/isik.tlabar/posts/10160031020585300
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3 weeks ago, the organizer of LOVEx Talks Scott, read it and reached out to me saying he loved the way i wrote it, geniune, open and beautiful and would love me to speak at the event.
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So I said yes, I’d love to 😍
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I gave a Goddess Circle workshop the day before so I was focusing on that up until then. When the day came, I was pretty nervous, my thoughts were going in loops and I was forgetting to eat.
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Anyway, the day went by, arrived at the venue, went up there, feeling super nervous. I talked about letting go of the need to control, being vulnerable, surrender in relationships and also in lovemaking.
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It’s easy to sit and watch speakers and judge them but it’s a whole another reality when you go up there yourself. It’s pretty surreal, I can’t even remember what I said. Later on, I found out as I was speaking, a guy outside on the street was playing Imagine by John Lennon. It made me teary, that song literally is the world I want to live in.
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One of the many things that touched me afterwards was that 2 Turkish women came up to me saying, its inspiring to see someone from the same sexually repressed background putting herself out there sharing about these topics. They thanked me, I felt so grateful 😍 (I am Turkish, I grew up in Istanbul then moved to UK when I was 18.)
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A part of me always believed I have to go to networking events, do webinars etc, do all these things to be visible. But actually, I just have to write.
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Writing is my medicine, its how I realise, let go, forgive, feel, grieve, integrate, complete and move on. The bonus side of it is when I share, I find that so many people resonate with them. So when I just write and share, all these magical things come to me as a confirmation of what I’m doing is true. An opportunity to speak, to write in a magazine as a monthly columnist and to collaborate to run a women’s retreat ❤️ (Will share more on the last one soon 😉)
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It took me few days to digest, integrate what happened but I feel like now I adjusted to this new energy. Ready for the next level 😍
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This showed me, once again, always do what’s true and the rest will take care of itself ✨
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Sending you love 💛
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LOVEx Talks ❤️ 

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I’m giving a talk tomorrow at LOVEx events about surrendering to love. Super exciting! 😍❤️ 

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There will be 3 other beautiful speakers. Tickets are SOLD OUT though now, if you’re coming along see you there! ✨

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https://www.facebook.com/events/1406275946140328/?ti=icl

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Loads of love to you ❤️

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Today my man and I have been together for 1 year! 😍❤️

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One year of adventures, diving into each other's dreams, fears, triggers.. Going to new levels of love, growth and intimacy over and over again..
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I feel very grateful we're at this point. We might look like we have the perfect relationship from the outside. But its not perfect obviously. No relationship is what it looks like from the outside. We created this beautiful connection and love we share but it didn't happen overnight magically.
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We constantly push each other to grow together. Intimate relationships are such a huge mirror, it brings up all parts of you, especially the parts you don't want to see. And I'm so grateful in those moments one of us didn't go, that's it I had enough, its over 😃 Funnily enough these are the moments that brought us closer too.
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Last night we went through these questions and spent an hour looking back at what we created together in the past year ✨ 
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These are great questions Aaron made up. They help you see parts of your relationships you haven't noticed before and acknowledge more of what you have. Having these conversations stops you from taking the other person for granted as well. 
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Here are the fabulous questions 💁🏽✨
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1. What is your favourite memory of your first year together?
2. What is the most magical moment of the last year?
3.List your 5 favourite things about you as a couple
4. List your 5 favourite things about the other person
5. Has anything surprised you about your relationship?
6. What’s been the hardest thing that you’ve gone through?
7. What has brought you closer together so far?
8. When do you feel most loved?
9. What would you like more of in your relationship?
10. What would you like less of in your relationship?
11. What have you learnt this year in your relationship?
12. What would you like to unfold in your relationship over the next year?
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You can even prepare a whole evening around going through these questions with your partner to connect deeper ❤️ Have fun! 😉
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Loads of love to you all 💛

⚪️ ❤️ SOVEREIGNTY & LOVE ❤️ ⚪️

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This has been the main theme in my life in the last 2 weeks, so time to write about it 🙏🏼

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What does it mean, to be sovereign?
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It's being whole and complete within yourself, being in your power and not needing something external to complete you or make you feel good. Its being your own lover, treating your body like it belongs to someone you love. Its not needing that person to love you because you feel that love towards yourself anyway.
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When you're sovereign, you love someone for who they are, not because they fix the incompleteness in you or they fulfill how you want to be.
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You don't need that person, but you want them. You want to connect and share intimacy with them just because of that, no other motives. Rather than saying 'I choose you because you complete me', its freedom to say 'I choose you because I love you'.
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You're able to love all parts of them. Because it doesn't threaten you anymore. Its doesn't mean anything about you and it doesn't trigger your incompleteness anymore. Because now you're whole. This is the shift from dependancy to sovereignty, two complete people coming together ✨
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Also there's a fine line between being sovereign and being super independant where you can create distance, push people away and go one man band. So just watch out for that 😃
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There is a beautiful Osho card, 'The Creator', my favourite one.. It says, there are two types of creators in the world: one type of creator works with objects - a poet, a painter etc. The other type of creator works on himself. He doesn't work with objects, he works on his own being. He makes himself into a masterpiece.
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It's about dropping the idea of becoming someone and surrendering to who you are, because you already are a masterpiece. Then you know yourself and you know you have everything you need..
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When you feel like you need to get something from someone, follow these steps to come back to your sovereignty:
- Notice how you feel, name how you feel.
- Notice what it means about you if you don't get that thing.
- Notice what that need is telling you to do.
- Close your eyes, take in a deep breath and imagine you're empty in pure bliss and presence.
- Ask 'What's the truth?' and allow anything to come up.
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The more you make this shift, the more it'll become an effortless habit where you just naturally in love and freedom..
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Let me know your thoughts below ☺️💛
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Loads of love! 💞
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💛 CONTROL IN RELATIONSHIPS 💛

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When there's control in a relationship, there's no connection, only seperation. 

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The need to control can have many reasons. Maybe you weren't allowed to be yourself as a child. Maybe your boundaries were violated. Maybe you decided you had to control the other person before they control you..

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When you try to control in a relationship, you see yourself seperate from the other person. You see them the enemy rather than your partner. You try to mold them into who you think they should be and what they should do.

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Then the other person gets angry, upset or might even leave because you're not allowing that person to be truly who they are.. 

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You might go into this super independant mode of doing everything on your own, because the other person might slow you down, because they're different, because they're not like you and they won't get you.. So it's better off to do it on your own.

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But the truth is, you're in this together. Once you work with your differences rather than against your differences, things become much easier. Once you let go and surrender, there is more love, intimacy and joy.

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Here's how you can move from control to surrender:

- Notice your immediate reaction of wanting to control when it comes up. Just become aware of it.

- Notice what behaviour the need to control pushing you to do.

- See what might happen if you do that

- Imagining you're empty and free from anything, feel the love you have for this person.

- Then ask, 'What's my next step to come back to this love?'

- Do that 😉

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It's actually just a choice in the end of the day. It is choosing either love or seperation. 

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Try this out and see how it goes for yourself. Would love to hear the outcome 🙏🏼

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In which situations do you find yourself wanting to control? Comment below if you feel drawn to it ☺️💙

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Much love to you! 💛

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🌹 SOUL VS. EGO IN RELATIONSHIPS 🌹

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Relationships are coming up loads recently so here's another one ☺️

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More able you recognise each other's darkness, more love and connection there will be in your relationships. Not just the intimate ones, but relationships you have with everyone.

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Your Soul, your true self, wants to share love and to connect. This is who we are in the beginning of the relationship most of the time. We're loving, feeling connected. As you go deeper and become more intimate, it scares your Ego, your unconscious mind, it feels like it's going to be find out.. So your Ego, your beliefs, conditioning, programs kick in and they go 'You can't hide us anymore!'.

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At this point you have two options. You either break up or you stay together and go deeper. 

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First one is what happens anyway if you're not aware of what your immediate reactions are. It's what Ego wants and its the easy option. Other person will bring up your darkness and shadow. Most people don't want to go within the depths of their darkness. So when the other person mirrors, triggers, you leave. Or you push the other person so much that they leave lol. Same thing, seperation.

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Or you have the second option. This is what Soul wants and its not always easy but its so worth it.. If you are willing to grow together you stay, be vulnerable, be honest with yourself with other person. Rather than fighting, arguing all the time, you work through it together..

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Realising its your Ego coming up as it comes up is probably the most important thing you can do in a relationship.. Then you're not illusion anymore, you can see the truth.

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So here are few indicators of its Ego coming up 😃

- It feels dense and heavy.

- You feel like you want to control, manipulate, create a drama etc.

- You hate that person to bits, intense rage, sadness, feeling alone..

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That's the first step, you recognise its Ego. Then how do you come back to love and connection you felt?

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Then you share with person how you feel. If you don't know how you feel, you imagine taking your awareness into your body and ask how you feel. You say exactly how you feel starting, 'When you do ... I feel like I'm being judged and I feel alone.' Whatever it is. 

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While you do this other person listens and doesn't say anything. This is important. 

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Then they tell how they feel. That's it, you just hear each other out while staying present. You're seeing other person in their pain and you're been seen, witnessed in your pain. Through being vulnerable and transparent, the pain goes away. All that is remaining is the pure love you have for each other..

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The Ego goes 'what am I getting?' And the Soul goes 'what are we creating together?' 🙏🏼

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It's simple but I'm not saying its always easy.. It can be hard work. As you do this more, you recognise each other's patterns and you work your way through it together.. It's a journey of growth you go onto together 💞

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What are your indicators showing you're in your Ego? 

What are the ways you found that allows you to make the difference of Ego and Soul (truth)? 

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Would love to hear them ☺️

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Loads of love 😍✨

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Artist: Android Jones

💚 TRIGGERS IN RELATIONSHIPS 💚

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Every person that has a successful, deep, vulnerable and loving relationship have also experienced the depths of their shadow.. No question.

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I saw this photo the other day and I loved it! You might try to blame or shame that person but the very thing that you don't like about them is the side you're not accepting about yourself..
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The good thing is its coming up to show you a lesson. To help you move forward, to liberate you from your chains so that you can be who you truly are.
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Relationships fall apart, because you don't want to go there, you don't want to face your own shadow so you blame the other person for not showing up as how you want them to show up.
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If you're not willing to take responsibility of what's coming up for you, there's no intimacy and connection. Only seperation, illusion and pain.
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What ends relationships is not clearing the bagages as you go. A make up sex, a nice gesture after an argument make it look like the pain is gone, but it doesn't remove the pain. It overrides the pain, covers it.. Overtime, the pain becomes unbearable and because of the pile of uncleared stuff, the relationship falls apart..
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Each time you get triggered, its an opportunity to heal and grow.. Each time you go into that space, communicate openly and get out of it together all clear, that's where you have higher love and more connection.
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So the next time your partner triggers you, sit down together and do these:
- Express how you feel openly.
- Your partner listens to you without interrupting.
- When you're done, your partner gets a turn to speak.
- You do the same with listening.
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It doesn't have to be complicated, this is simple. When you are listened without interruption, you're being seen, heard and honoured in your vulnerability of your shadow. It's super healing, vulnerable and so worth the time and energy..
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What triggers you most in relationships? What's your immediate reaction when you get triggered? Comment below if you feel drawn to it ☺️🙏🏼
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Have a wonderful week! 🌼
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Much love to you 💚
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