authenticity

💔 ABANDONMENT & OPENNESS ❤️

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Grab yourself a cup of tea. This one’s a big one 😃

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Abandonment is allowing someone else’s decision to mean something about yourself.

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It’s not personal but you make it personal. In order to avoid feeling the pain of abandonment, you develop coping mechanisms. 

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You might tend and befriend, pleasing the person out of fear to avoid them leaving you. You might close your heart protecting yourself from getting hurt. These strategies often end you up in abandonment anyway as that was the intention your actions stemmed from. 

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I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time few weeks ago. Robin Williams was the therapist in the movie and he was saying how the his client was pushing people away as a defense mechanism before they had a chance to leave him. I had to pause and let that sink in. That is pretty much what I did in my past relationships up until few years ago with the exact reason.

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In my Ego, I push people away before they abandon me. I fit into the idea of what people expect of me. I abandon my true essence and what my heart wants in order to receive love and validation.

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All this, I knew. Now I’m going to share something really deep and vulnerable I recently found out about myself.

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The other day something happened that massively triggered my abandonment wound. I was in my shit for a week. I knew it was teaching me something but I just couldn’t see it. I was getting all frustrated because I knew if I just saw the lesson I would let it go. Few days ago, I finally saw it. I’m going to share with you what it was because its important.

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When I was little, there were a lot of betrayal, lies and manipulation around me. I didn’t feel backed up and I felt abandoned.

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I looked around and decided people were double faced. In order to survive in this world, I had to be double faced. I adjusted myself according to other people. And I put a massive wall around me to protect myself. 

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I calculated my behaviour based on other people’s behaviours. In a way I became double faced, the very thing I judged about people. If they were closed, I was closed. If they were open, I was open. I gave my power away to them.

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Any personal growth training I went to between the age of 14-20, the trainer would tell me that there was coldness in my eyes. It really hurt because I knew that wasn’t who I was. I managed to break this when I was 20. Then I started to become a lot more like myself, warm, loving, open and real. That’s my true nature.

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Few days ago, I saw the shadow side I have around being open and authentic that comes out in intimate relationships.

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(Shadow is how Ego slides into your truth with its own agenda and makes it almost impossible to see. It’s your blindspot.)

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I would be open so that the other person is open too. Once they’re open, then I would feel safe. Then I would know they’re not going to betray or abandon me. I would manipulate my way into safety. So my intention behind my openness was to avoid betrayal and abandonment. And of course because that was where I was coming from, it would naturally lead to abandonment. 

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If you take an action coming from an intention from Ego, you will create more Ego. Ego creates Ego. Truth creates truth.

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I saw why men leave even when I was open and honest. They were picking up on the energy I was unconsciously vibing out. They felt that undercurrent energy. I would also be attracted to men who are more likely to leave so that I perpetuate the belief and prove it to myself over and over again.

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Once I saw this, every time I felt betrayed or abandoned by the masculine, relationships and connections ending, emotional unavailability, going for safer options, dad dying, feeling lonely, etc they all made sense. Like flashbacks one after another, they all came together. Time stopped and I said to myself, “Oh my god...” 

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I gave out a big exhale.

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As soon as I saw this, I was able to let it go. I sent massive gratitude to every men entered and left my life, allowing me to come to this point of seeing this lesson. I felt free.

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This was a huge revelation followed by a 3 hours integration nap, then a 9 hours sleep. And now I’m down with the integration flu 😂

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You are responsible for everything that happens in your reality. Nothing happens to you, its a behaviour, an action you’re taking that is creating the result.

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Once you stop blaming others, take ownership and see your underlying motivation, then you can be aware of it and change it.

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Mine was my level of openness depends on others’ openness, which I can change it to I am open and authentic regardless, because that’s who I am.

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Also checking in with myself especially around the masculine, 

- Am I open to manipulate my way into safety?

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- Am I open becasue I want to be open? 

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I’m not dismissing the pain of abandonment. I’ve been there and it hurts like hell. But it’s your choice to not dwell on the suffering and connect back to the truth. You can choose to feel the pain, see the lesson and let it go.

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So here are steps to turn around the wound of abandonment that I used and come back to the truth:

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- Close your eyes

- Take a deep breath in.

- What do you do to avoid abandonment? What’s your coping strategy? (pushing people away, closing your heart, manipulation, being super independant etc)

- What’s the emotion? Is it sadness, anger, anxiety, fear etc?

- What are you believing about yourself?

- When was the earliest time you felt this?

- Let that scenario unfold. (For example - you’re 5 and your dad is having a go at you, you’re scared and your mum is not backing you, you feel let down and abandoned by her, vice versa)

- Imagine standing infront of them and tell them out loud what you wish you said at the time.

- Imagine seeing the scenario from a higher perspective now, see for what it is. See their pain. Why did they act the way they did?

- Can you forgive them for that? If you do, tell them.

- Give them a hug. (If you feel like it)

- See the 5 year old you from this place, tell them whatever they need to hear to feel safe and loved. Pour love into their heart and see them shine. See their pain as a black smoke armor, take it off them and surround them with pure white light of love. Tell them they can be themselves now.

- Let that go. Bring your awareness to the situation you have today.

- Now knowing you’re loved, whole and complete as you are, ask “What’s the truth?”

- Give yourself a hug :)

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“The truth will set you free.” - Jesus

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I dedicate my life to seek the truth and live it every day. I will honestly go to the end of hell for the truth. This requires me to be honest with myself, to sit with uncomfortable emotions and journey through darkness. 

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I’ve journeyed through and transformed so much. Every time I shift or realise something, I see that actually I know nothing. I feel I’m barely starting. As I go into deeper layers, my connection with the truth deepens.

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It doesn’t get easier for me personally. As I go deeper, I see more and more, my humour gets darker and darker. But I also feel freer, more empowered and more me. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

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At the same time, I can take people with me, to the level I’ve gone to, to see their depth and their truth 🔥

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I offer 1-1 sessions around seeing why you keep repeating same scenarios around abandonment and how to change it. If you resonated with this, message me ❤️

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I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions below 😍

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Thank you for reading my longest post ever to date 😃 Giving you all a virtual hug 🙌🏼

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I love you 💛

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🙏🏼 GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION 🙏🏼

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Last weekend, I went to Elizabeth Gilbert’s talk. She’s the author of ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ and ‘Big Magic’.

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She’s super funny, real, loving, straightforward and compassionate all at the same time, loved her energy and the way she spoke. Such a courageous Soul ✨
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We wrote ourselves letters from different aspects of ourselves. One letter we wrote specifically hit close to home. It was a permission slip.
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There might be times you feel like you can’t do the things you want to do because you might feel you will be judged, you might feel like a bad person for wanting to do these things. Then shame comes in. An endless battle starts within you trying to be good. You look outside of yourself wanting someone to tell you you’re ok.
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Usually this person is some sort of authority figure, teacher, mum, dad. Someone you look up to, someone you believe if they agree with what you are doing and who you are, you’re all good.
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What if you gave yourself that permission you’ve been seeking for?
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We wrote the ultimate permission slip from the authority, the head teacher within us. It goes like this, I put in some examples:
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From the office of the head teachers, (you gotta make it all formal)
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Dear (your name),
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I’m the head teacher and this is your permission slip.
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I give you permission to not clean up that food you spilled straight away.
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I give you permission to not smile when you’re not feeling like smiling.
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I give you permission to change your hair colour.
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(And goes on until you feel complete.)
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Sincerely,
The head teacher
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You list everything you’ve been meaning to do or be but felt like you can’t do that. This is your permission from yourself to yourself.
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You can say things like ‘I give you permission to love yourself, to forgive yourself’ etc but be specific. Maybe its speaking your truth about something, maybe its about allowing yourself to cry or maybe its taking yourself to that retreat or holiday.
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When some of the people in the room read their permission slip, the energy was incredible. So freeing, expanded and honest. I definitely felt freer when I wrote mine🌻
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Try this for yourself, write it out and put it up somewhere you can see 😍
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Ask these questions:
- What exactly is it you want to give yourself permission for?
- What is it you want to do?
- What is it you want to stop doing?
- What would you love to do if no one would judge or shame you?
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Would love to hear some in the comments if you feel like sharing 🌷
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Sending you loads of love 💛
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💥 FOLLOWN YOUR TRUTH 💥

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I watched the movie "The Greatest Showman" last night. I was in tears within the first 5 minutes.
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It's all about being seen, dreaming big and being yourself, doing what you believe no matter what people around you tell you. It's also about breaking through the norms, letting go of what people expect from you.
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You might feel like your family, society, the world have a certain expectation from you. You have to fulfill it, otherwise you can be disowned. You might not be loved and the world can feel like an unpredictable, unsafe and dangerous place.
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The truth is you can create whatever you want. You don't have to settle in for less than what you want. You can have what you want and so much more. 
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You can do something that has never been done before. Your dream can be something so insane, so weird, so out there. And that's amazing! Keep it that way, it doesn't have to be achievable and reasonable. 
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You don't have to mold in. You don't have to follow the norm, do what everyone else is doing. You don't have to plan the next 10 years like most people do. That's a safe, limited, small way of living. You don't have to make people feel uncomfortable. I'm not saying, be a dick. But there's a middle ground where you're following your truth and you're also loving and compassionate to those who don't understand you, yet. 
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If you're doing something that's not mainstream, in the beginning you might get resistance from people. Sometimes its your own worries reflected back at you, sometimes you are the reflection of people's deepest fear right in their face. Because you're showing them what they're scared to face.
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When you do that thing, then they understand  😉 They might come and tell you, you made them wrong. They might not even say that, that doesn't matter. You show them your dream by making it a physical reality. 
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If a guy didn't go, I want to build a vehicle that allows you to fly across continents, we wouldn't have planes today. I'm sure the inventor of planes got some hate and ridicule when they shared their dream. Those dreams made the world we have today. 
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If you feel like you want to do something but scared what others might say, follow these steps:
- If you had nothing stopping you, what would you do?
- What thought comes up to stop you from doing that? (Ex: People will laugh, I can't do that etc.)
- For a moment, imagine yourself rising above from that thought, floating above it connecting to your true essence, free from everything
- What's the first step to make that a reality?
- Take that step ✨
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Your creations happen as a result of you taking one step at a time. You have the power to choose what you want to do. If you do this after 6 months, you will look back and go, wow I created a whole new life.. That's what I did.
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What's your wildest dream? What do you want to leave behind when you leave this world? 
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Mine is connecting women to their feminine power. I want to see women speaking their truth, making their dreams come true, changing the world, doing business while being connected to their feminine side. I want to empower them to embody their sexuality and sensuality fully. I want women and men to have fun, connect, laugh, enjoy this beautiful life.. And I'd love to dance infront of thousands of people few times ☺️💛
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Nothing more than hearing people's dreams excites me, would love to hear yours below or message me😍❤️
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And watch Greatest Showman, its a true story, so wonderful to see more Hollywood movies becoming awakened and aware.. 

Have a gorgeous weekend, wherever you are 🙌🏼⭐️✨
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👸🏽 BELIEVE IN YOURSELF 👸🏽

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There's no one like you out there. No one has your energy or the gifts you have to offer.

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You might feel like you don't have much to offer, much to say. Or you might believe you're not that unique, what you want to do is done before and you're not where you want to be anyway so what's the point.. 

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When you're in that space and someone goes, 'Believe in yourself!' It might feel a bit flat and irritating, I do at least 😃

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What does it even mean, believing in yourself?

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It means you know who you are and you know your gifts and the power they have. You know its true for you to be that, offer that, because that's what you love and you doing what you love is what the world needs.

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There's this beautiful quote by Howard Thurman, "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

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I love this quote. When people ask for your help, you might feel like you're not capable to help them or you don't feel confident or experienced enough. That's not true, if someone's showing up and asking your help, its because they need your help, your energy. If they didn't resonate with you, they wouldn't have come up to you. 

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Allow yourself to receive the transformation you can create in their lives.. Make serving them more important than what you think about yourself and see what happens ☺️💛

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When you step up, grow and stretch yourself your self esteem might feel like its getting lower, because your Ego gets scared. So it throws at you everything it can as a strategy to keep you small. Once you notice the strategy and the reason behind it, it doesn't have power or control over you. For example it might tell you to show this facade first before showing the real you, before opening up and being vulnerable. 

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As you drop your mask, people around you will drop theirs too. The more you see people pretending, its because you're pretending too. Its just a mirror of the vibration you're in. You don't have to show off or overdo you either. Just be the real you.

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Last Saturday I guided a movement session and a cacao ceremony for 20 people and 15 of them haven't meditated before in their lives. And there I was wearing my feathers, this goddessy dress walking around barefoot with my palo santo (similar to incense stick). I felt quite proud actually to be in that space and be myself. In the end of the day, they're just people who are not better or worse than you are.

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And if you have any doubt about not knowing who you are just think of an acorn. An acorn grows into an oak tree, it doesn't try to be an oak tree, it doesn't have to figure out how to be an oak tree. It just becomes an oak tree. It surrenders and allows that growth and transformation to happen to be its fullest and embodied self. Stop trying and allow.

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Here are 2 things you can do to start believing in yourself:

- Print out every beautiful thing people said about you.. A client's testimonial, a 'oh my god that session was incredible, thank you!' message. Your friend's or lover's encouraging message to you. Put them somewhere in your room where you can see them every day. 

(Know that you don't have to get attached to these praises, they're just reflecting your true nature to you, they're not giving you anything extra)

- Imagine you're at your 80th birthday. People are coming up to you and thanking you for being this beautiful person. What are they thanking you for? Write them down.

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So be like an acorn 😃 and wear feathers, always 😉✨

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Who would be if you didn't care what others think of you? And what would you do? Comment below ☺️💞

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Loads of love to you! 💖

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✨ PRESENCE ✨

Something magical happens when you're free from your mind chatter and completely present with the person you are with..

Last weekend I went to complete another module with Animas Coaching, which was about presence.

We had an exercise where we were with a person while they talked for straight 10 mins. No questions, reactions, nothing. Just listening and allowing that person to be, say anything they want.

The person I was observing threw out everything she had in her mind, vulnerably telling her thoughts, feelings, fears, beliefs and hopes.

It got to a point where she tired herself out of her ego and saw the answer herself. Literally guided herself to her answer..

I saw this happening when I was doing 12 weeks 'Artist's Way' program, Julia Cameron's book where you have to write 3 pages every day. For me, in the beginning, the first 2 pages were pure mind. Totally unrelated sentences stacking next to each other, almost a vomit of the mind. Last page would be the truth, what I'd love to do, my gifts, dreams etc. Thank God i don't have to write 3 pages of that to get to the truth now 😂

It was amazing to see that happening right then and there, shifting in 10 mins..

It's about witnessing your own pain. It can be painful to do but once the thoughts, beliefs, emotions are seen by you, once they're witnessed and named what they are, they loose their power.. The pain is gone. Not looking at them straight in the face creates even more pain than the pain itself.

It's about seeing them and not getting carried away. They are just concepts, not the truth.

The truth is..

No matter what our past is,

No matter how scared we are or 

No matter how we want to control the outcome..

We can be anything we want to be in any given moment..

That is the ultimate freedom 😉💛

Thank you Marcus, Laure, Erika and beautiful attendees for a wonderful weekend full of authenticity 💜✨

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