abandonment

💔 ABANDONMENT and OPENNESS ❤️

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Grab yourself a cup of tea. This one’s a big one 😃

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Abandonment is allowing someone else’s decision to mean something about yourself.

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It’s not personal but you make it personal. In order to avoid feeling the pain of abandonment, you develop coping mechanisms. 

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You might tend and befriend, pleasing the person out of fear to avoid them leaving you. You might close your heart protecting yourself from getting hurt. These strategies often end you up in abandonment anyway as that was the intention your actions stemmed from. 

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I watched Good Will Hunting for the first time few weeks ago. Robin Williams was the therapist in the movie and he was saying how the his client was pushing people away as a defense mechanism before they had a chance to leave him. I had to pause and let that sink in. That is pretty much what I did in my past relationships up until few years ago with the exact reason.

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In my Ego, I push people away before they abandon me. I fit into the idea of what people expect of me. I abandon my true essence and what my heart wants in order to receive love and validation.

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All this, I knew. Now I’m going to share something really deep and vulnerable I recently found out about myself.

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The other day something happened that massively triggered my abandonment wound. I was in my shit for a week. I knew it was teaching me something but I just couldn’t see it. I was getting all frustrated because I knew if I just saw the lesson I would let it go. Few days ago, I finally saw it. I’m going to share with you what it was because its important.

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When I was little, there were a lot of betrayal, lies and manipulation around me. I didn’t feel backed up and I felt abandoned.

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I looked around and decided people were double faced. In order to survive in this world, I had to be double faced. I adjusted myself according to other people. And I put a massive wall around me to protect myself. 

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I calculated my behaviour based on other people’s behaviours. In a way I became double faced, the very thing I judged about people. If they were closed, I was closed. If they were open, I was open. I gave my power away to them.

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Any personal growth training I went to between the age of 14-20, the trainer would tell me that there was coldness in my eyes. It really hurt because I knew that wasn’t who I was. I managed to break this when I was 20. Then I started to become a lot more like myself, warm, loving, open and real. That’s my true nature.

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Few days ago, I saw the shadow side I have around being open and authentic that comes out in intimate relationships.

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(Shadow is how Ego slides into your truth with its own agenda and makes it almost impossible to see. It’s your blindspot.)

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I would be open so that the other person is open too. Once they’re open, then I would feel safe. Then I would know they’re not going to betray or abandon me. I would manipulate my way into safety. So my intention behind my openness was to avoid betrayal and abandonment. And of course because that was where I was coming from, it would naturally lead to abandonment. 

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If you take an action coming from an intention from Ego, you will create more Ego. Ego creates Ego. Truth creates truth.

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I saw why men leave even when I was open and honest. They were picking up on the energy I was unconsciously vibing out. They felt that undercurrent energy. I would also be attracted to men who are more likely to leave so that I perpetuate the belief and prove it to myself over and over again.

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Once I saw this, every time I felt betrayed or abandoned by the masculine, relationships and connections ending, emotional unavailability, going for safer options, dad dying, feeling lonely, etc they all made sense. Like flashbacks one after another, they all came together. Time stopped and I said to myself, “Oh my god...” 

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I gave out a big exhale.

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As soon as I saw this, I was able to let it go. I sent massive gratitude to every men entered and left my life, allowing me to come to this point of seeing this lesson. I felt free.

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This was a huge revelation followed by a 3 hours integration nap, then a 9 hours sleep. And now I’m down with the integration flu 😂

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You are responsible for everything that happens in your reality. Nothing happens to you, its a behaviour, an action you’re taking that is creating the result.

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Once you stop blaming others, take ownership and see your underlying motivation, then you can be aware of it and change it.

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Mine was my level of openness depends on others’ openness, which I can change it to I am open and authentic regardless, because that’s who I am.

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Also checking in with myself especially around the masculine, 

- Am I open to manipulate my way into safety?

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- Am I open becasue I want to be open? 

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I’m not dismissing the pain of abandonment. I’ve been there and it hurts like hell. But it’s your choice to not dwell on the suffering and connect back to the truth. You can choose to feel the pain, see the lesson and let it go.

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So here are steps to turn around the wound of abandonment that I used and come back to the truth:

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- Close your eyes

- Take a deep breath in.

- What do you do to avoid abandonment? What’s your coping strategy? (pushing people away, closing your heart, manipulation, being super independant etc)

- What’s the emotion? Is it sadness, anger, anxiety, fear etc?

- What are you believing about yourself?

- When was the earliest time you felt this?

- Let that scenario unfold. (For example - you’re 5 and your dad is having a go at you, you’re scared and your mum is not backing you, you feel let down and abandoned by her, vice versa)

- Imagine standing infront of them and tell them out loud what you wish you said at the time.

- Imagine seeing the scenario from a higher perspective now, see for what it is. See their pain. Why did they act the way they did?

- Can you forgive them for that? If you do, tell them.

- Give them a hug. (If you feel like it)

- See the 5 year old you from this place, tell them whatever they need to hear to feel safe and loved. Pour love into their heart and see them shine. See their pain as a black smoke armor, take it off them and surround them with pure white light of love. Tell them they can be themselves now.

- Let that go. Bring your awareness to the situation you have today.

- Now knowing you’re loved, whole and complete as you are, ask “What’s the truth?”

- Give yourself a hug :)

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“The truth will set you free.” - Jesus

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I dedicate my life to seek the truth and live it every day. I will honestly go to the end of hell for the truth. This requires me to be honest with myself, to sit with uncomfortable emotions and journey through darkness. 

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I’ve journeyed through and transformed so much. Every time I shift or realise something, I see that actually I know nothing. I feel I’m barely starting. As I go into deeper layers, my connection with the truth deepens.

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It doesn’t get easier for me personally. As I go deeper, I see more and more, my humour gets darker and darker. But I also feel freer, more empowered and more me. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

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At the same time, I can take people with me, to the level I’ve gone to, to see their depth and their truth 🔥

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I offer 1-1 sessions around seeing why you keep repeating same scenarios around abandonment and how to change it. If you resonated with this, message me ❤️

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I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions below 😍

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Thank you for reading my longest post ever to date 😃 Giving you all a virtual hug 🙌🏼

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I love you 💛

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